Drinking my way through SkyMall

Who doesn't love the awesomeness that is SkyMall? It's a catalogue filled with absolutely nothing you need and everything you want that you don't know you want until you see it and know that you can't possibly go on living without it. It's so good they should call it AirCrack. Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on planes lately and decided to make a thorough investigation of all the drinking accessories in the catalogue. I didn't do it for me, I did it for you, my fans. What do you call a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine for adults? A Little Snowie. Just add bourbon and you can call the thing a Julep maker. That's great, but entirely useless unless you buy a portable ice cube maker to sit next to it. You know what would be great to put on that sno-cone? Some sort of lemon vodka concoction. And the most efficient way to mix that up is using this fabulous "Old Fashioned Lemonade Stand" (aka lemondrop dispenser) that keeps your booze and juice mixed, and comes with a built-in citrus reamer on top! For simpler tastes, forget the Little Snowie and buy yourself a Lil' Chill Shot machine to cool your shooters down to -2 degrees Fahrenheit. Oddly, the website has dropped the "Lil'" part of the name, but perhaps they didn't want it to be known as Baby's First JagerBomb. Not classy enough? Understandable. Perhaps then you'd prefer this poolside faux-wood tiki table to set your drinks on. Indoors, my choice is the Sixtheenth-Century Italian Replica Globe Bar that opens to reveal glasses and booze inside what looks to be an antique globe- it's a great way to fool the maid who's always getting in to your liquor. These accessories are all great, but they don't meet the entirely of my high-tech boozing needs. Here are some suggestions for new SkyMall products: - Homemade tonic water machine: Just insert of chunk of rare Peruvian cinchona tree bark in one end, and in ten minutes out comes fresh bubbly tonic water. Bark sold separately. - Rim-Tastic 9000: Say goodbye to clumpy rims and hello to the Rim-Tastic 9000! Place your margarita glass in the appliance and select your choice of flavored sugar or salt rims from the control panel, then watch Rim-Tastic go to work creating an even, perfect garnish every time! - Ultra-Sonic Cocktail Shaker: When stirring takes too long and shaking bruises your gin, it's time to call in this new high-tech tippling technology. Using sound waves to integrate rather than agitate your ingredients, your cocktail won't just mix, it will form a molecular flavor bond that holds up to even the most watery of ice cubes. (Also works to clean dentures.)

Another history lesson

It's been a long time since we had a new episode of Drunk History, but it was so, SO worth the wait. [via LiquorSnob]

Reading material

- A nice summary of micro-distilling in Oregon. They have 17 micro-distilleries already! The article also alerted me to a surely fine Oregon product called Bu-Tay vodka, which comes in regular and blue. It's hard to beat their tagline: "Make Bu-Tay Your Call." - Eric Felten rediscovers the Twentieth Century cocktail, and an annual celebration of the drink by train (and Sherlock Holmes) enthusiasts. - The "Richard Branson of India," Vijay Mallya, announced a patent on diet vodka and diet whisky. Approximately .0002 seconds later, the Scotch Whisky Association announced "that ain't no whisky." - This article from Plenty Magazine lists some eco-cocktails. I learned from it that there is an organic Pisco, an organic line of liqueurs including brandy, orange (could this be the orgo triple-sec we've been waiting for?), chocolate, and coffee, as well as two more organic rums called Matraga and Papagayo. - Madison approves banning cheap liquor in the downtown area to discourage panhandlers. That's ridiculous. If they can do this, can't neighborhoods ban cheap anything to keep out the poor and middle classes? You suck, Madison. - Mmm, tacky fashion wine box.

Poppers

It's so hot in my apartment in San Francisco right now that a cork stopper just spontaneously popped off a bottle of vodka in my living room. Or perhaps it was a divine sign that I need a refreshing cocktail right about now...

Green drinking

As I was picking the fallen houseplant leaf off the shag carpet, I wondered what it would taste like in a drink. (Who wouldn't?) I bit into it to find it reminded me of snap peas shells. Undeterred, I proceeded to experiment with a cocktail. Intervention Inspiration 4 leaves of houseplant, with center veins removed 2 ounces cucumber vodka 1/2 ounce honey syrup 1/4 ounce lemon juice pinch black pepper Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into cocktail glass. The drink is disgusting, of course. And now I can't get the taste of houseplant out of my mouth.

Attempted bribery

Well, it finally happened. I received cash in the mail the other day from a liquor company. It's about time! I've been waiting for a bribe for years here at Alcademics, with my fingers hovering over the "Best Product Evar!!" keys. There's a reason you don't see an ethics policy listed on this website, and that's because I don't have any ethics. Wine me, dine me, send me flowers- I'm easy. I just wish they had made it easier to get at the money. They put the five-pound note behind glass. I think it's glued on a piece of cardboard, so that's going to be hard to get off. And if I can remove it without ripping it all up then I have to take it to the bank to get it converted into useful American money. Someone needs to teach the Bushmills people better bribery skills. But seriously folks, this is pretty cool. The Bank of Ireland put the Bushmills distillery on the five pound note to celebrate the 400th anniversary of their license to distill whiskey. The Bushmills people are like "Irish money is free advertising!" and are undoubtedly psyched. They framed the note and sent it to me to join my wall art, perfectly in keeping with my entirely booze-related decorating scheme. The thing is, they're also putting the distillery on the ten and 20 pound notes. If they really wanted to bribe me couldn't they have sent more money?

Form of: An ice luge! Shape of: umm...

The website copy reads:

Lugez is proud to present our first product that is guaranteed to make your mouth drop. This penis is not just for looks…..it has function. Pour a shot at the top and drink at the tip. After that you got yourself an ice luge party penis that gets you drunk.

Lugez is a fantastic addition to all wild bachelorette parties and adult party games that are willing to go the extra step to add something special to their party. And now bachelorettes don’t have to feel guilty about getting friendly with a foreign penis one last time before the big day. Big enough for fun and small enough to fit in a normal freezer.

See this fine product here. (mildly NSFW)

Even cocktails fall victim to Photoshop

We expect to see photoshopped celebrities in magazines, but must our cocktails be digitally manipulated also? Sure, mint is hard to style, but can't booze brands with big budgets invest a little more time in making the drinks look real? Fake mint makes me sad.

Where's the party?

Here's a fun blog about irresponsible drinking.

Try this, it's disgusting

A case went to trial in New Zealand recently over an incident that occurred last summer. A customer ordered a mulled wine but was served dishwashing liquid instead. Oops!

Customer Sarah Ferguson had bought a glass of mulled wine from Old Man Rock Cafe and, noticing an immediate burning sensation around the lips and mouth, spat out the liquid.

A worker at the cafe, Bethany Sim, offered to test the mulled wine and immediately suffered a similar but more extreme reaction to Ferguson.

With both women in pain, an ambulance was called.

Apparently the cafe received dishwashing liquid in a reused bottle for Mountain Thunder brand mulled wine.

1. They sell pre-mulled mulled wine?
2. Mountain Thunder! That's the name of my new band.

The most important month of 2008

May is National Vinegar Month! Alcademics Vinegarwatch goes into hyper-drive! The press release from the Vinegar Institute (How do I join?) lists some of the culinary uses for vinegar:

In the kitchen, numerous vinegar varieties reign supreme when it comes to cooking. Many cooks know the solution to balancing flavors and adding a creative flair can be found right in the pantry. Vinegar is the cook's best friend when it comes to creating intriguing flavors in salads, sauces, marinades and more. If a dish lacks a little 'zip', a dash or two of the endless varieties of vinegar brings it to life or balances out flavors. The extended vinegar family includes such favorites as: Apple Cider Vinegar, Balsamic Vinegar, Rice Vinegar, and Wine Vinegar to name a few. Each variety offers its own distinct flavor and appeal. Numerous vinegar infusions can also be created with fresh herbs or fruit for countless flavor possibilities.

Unfortunately they left out the most important use for vinegar- as 2008's trendiest cocktail ingredient! When I become chairperson of the Vinegar Institute, things are gonna change. Vinegarwatch continues!

The second best press release of the day

I'm having trouble figuring out if this event is a celebration or a protest.

SALT LAKE CITY (April 30, 2008) – Impending changes in Utah’s liquor laws in Senate Bill 211 (SB211) will allow restaurants and private clubs to begin serving 1.5 ounces of primary alcohol in martinis and other single-liquor drinks on May 5, 2008. Club Bambara is marking the date by pouring Utah’s first 1.5 ounce martini, appropriately named the “SB211.” SB211 eliminates sidecars, or separate shots of alcohol, in mixed drinks, but allows martinis and other single-liquor dinks to have a 1.5 ounce total alcohol content. Previous, if guests wanted more than an ounce in their martini, they had to order a sidecar and pour in the additional liquor themselves after their drink was concocted. “It makes such a huge difference in the integrity of a cocktail to be able to prepare it properly. All the ingredients should be created together for the best taste,” said Club Bambara’s master mixologist Austin Craig.

Wait...what!?! You used to be able to buy separate ingredients and mix your own drink in the glass, but now that's illegal and the compromise is that you can have a whole ounce and a half of one alcohol ingredient and no others? GEE THANKS, NOW IT SUCKS DIFFERENTLY. On the other hand, master mixologist Austin Craig's job just got even easier.

Best press release of the day

I received what appears to be a press release announcing the success of releasing this press release:

LAD communications Announces Successful PR Launch PORTLAND, Ore., April 30, 2008 – LAD communications celebrates the launch of The Deschutes Brewery and Public House located at 210 NW 11th Ave., in the heart of Portland’s bustling Pearl District. As the first pub in Portland for the Bend, Oregon based Deschutes, this launch showcases LAD’s ability to generate significant buzz and interest in both the media and the public for this distinctive Oregon microbrewery.

That, my friends, is not PR. That is meta-publicity. That is art.

Recession Reading

The New York Times reports that people are spending less on food and booze than usual.

Sales of inexpensive domestic beers, like Keystone Light, are up; sales of higher-price imports, like Corona Extra, are down, the firm said.

Some are skipping drinks altogether. The number of people ordering an alcoholic drink fell to 31 percent last month from 42 percent last summer, according to a survey of 2,500 people conducted by Technomic, a restaurant industry consulting firm.

Perhaps this is a good time to remind Alcademics readers that I authored one of the finest works of budget literature ever put into print: Party Like a Rock Star: Even When You're Poor As Dirt. Here's what people are saying:

Playboy.com

“Camper English [is] San Francisco's resident nightlife guru…. if anyone knows how to navigate the party scene with an almost empty wallet, it's English."

The San Francisco Weekly

“Smart and funny, the book makes for an easy and enlightening read.”

The San Francisco Chronicle’s SFGate.com

“English shares his hard-won financial advice for living the cash-poor high life… It's packed with ingenious and mostly legal tips on saving money (perhaps for rehab).”

Curve Magazine

"Well-written and freakin’ hysterical."

Customer review on Amazon.com

"I think "Party Like a Rock Star" should have been named "Party like an Egocentric Sociopath Who Thinks Laws Don't Exist for Him.""

Get your copy today!

Gin 2.0

My friend Cior sent me a link to a talk at the Web 2.0 conference in San Francisco by Clay Shirky, because the talk referenced gin. (My friends know me well.) The talk was about how we dissipate the free time and mental energy ("cognitive surplus") we have after working. In the beginning of the industrial revolution when the masses streamed into London, Shirky says consumption of gin was the way of dealing with the new pressures of city living. Post WWII, television became the new post-work brain relaxer, and nowadays, collaborative web projects like Wikipedia are a productive way to spend those mental energy cycles. So really, the talk isn't booze-related at all. But after reading it, I could use a nice relaxing martini.

Boozy goodness from the internet

- Ibar lists 1,000 drink recipes on your ipod. So now you can be that annoying guy who asks the bartenders for drinks they don't know, like the Frascati's Jubilee Flip. [via LiquorSnob] - Dos Equis launched a hilarious campaign to find an assistant to the "most interesting man in the world." The previous assistant, Steve, was killed in an archery accident. His memory will be honored on April 23, by Dos Equis and the Association of Celebrity Personal Assistants. - Drink Dogma has a ton of info about rhubarb cocktails. - The Ladies United for the Preservation of Endangered Cocktails in Boston have put out a cocktail book. - Nightclub and lifestyle brand Ministry of Sound put out their own vodka. I bet we'll see tons of branded vodkas coming out soon, just like the branded bottled water they have at the Gap. [via Martini Groove] - Neyah White lists a recipe for homemade Rose Vermouth. - More vodkas are coming out that list what's in them. This one is made from Malbec grapes. They also have a Chardonnay and Cabernet variety not available in the US. [via Martini Groove] - 10 Cane rum is sponsoring a 10k race in Portland this June. There's nothing like a little rum to cure leg cramps. - All about arrack. - Scorpion-infused vodka "imparts a pleasant soft, woody taste" and "makes a dramatic scorpion martini." I bet it does. [via Complex] - Here's a new one: absinthe-flavored vodka. I'll have mine without the scorpion, thanks. [via Martini Groove]

Seriously

Did the Kentucky Derby really need an official tequila? Let's stay on-message here, people.

Grandpa's drink

Via Liquor Snob, Frozen Smiles ice cube trays. Available on Amazon.

Snakebite?

And I thought the mezcal worm was gross...

Hundreds of bottles of booze with a bite seized in Palo Pinto

Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission agents seized 411 bottles of illegal hooch Thursday at Bayou Bob's Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch in Palo Pinto County.

But it wasn't your typical variety of moonshine: the bottles of vodka also contained 10-inch rattlesnakes.

Conceptual recipes

Check out these measuring jugs by Harry White. They'd make for some fun cocktail recipes. "Add two Tyrannosaurus Rex brains worth of vodka, a million grains of sugar and 197 milliliters of lime juice to the shaker..."

Booze cops: Now Hiring

Don't you think Booze Cops would make a nice reality show? I do, except I'm all-too likely to show up on it wearing handcuffs while clutching a gift bag for dear life. In any case, the ABC is hiring. You know where to find me when you need to increase your arrest quota.

A few useful terms

The New York Times addresses the condition they're calling "drunkorexia," which they file under the Fashion & Style coverage. Alas, the story isn't about the subculture of partying supermodel hipsters in Brooklyn, but the combination of two medical conditions- alcoholism and anorexia. It's neither about fashion nor style, so don't let them trick you into learning anything. If they're going to define new terms for combination disorders with booze, then I have a few to add to the lexicon.

• AADD- Constantly losing one's drink
• Drunksomnia- The inability to get to sleep without a nightcap.
• Alcrophobia- The fear of drinking in top-floor hotel bars
• Alcoheimer's- Forgetfulness due to excessive consumption of alcohol the previous evening
• Postalcoholic Stress Disorder- Severe anxiety common amongst alcoheimer's sufferers, frequently resulting in unnecessary next-day apologies
• Claustroholic- A person who only drinks in crowded bars and nightclubs on weekends
• Agoraholic- A person who only drinks in empty dive bars
• Aeroalcophobia- The fear that the plane will hit turbulence and they'll never bring the goddamn drink cart around
• Schlitzophrenia- A person whose personality changes radically when drinking
• Bingecontinence- The loss of bladder control due to alcohol consumption

Feel free to add your own NYT-worthy conditions in the comments.

Juiced up

Via BevNet, Ocean Spray is introducing an energy juice drink called Cranergy, "to help fight America's energy crisis." I'm not sure if that slogan comes from BevNet or Ocean Spray directly, but it's pretty ridiculous. The drinks are juice with Splenda, fortified with B vitamins and green tea extract. This provides drinkers with "a natural energy lift they can feel good about." Sure. From the Splenda website:

The process selectively replaces three hydrogen-oxygen groups on the sugar molecule with three chlorine atoms. Chlorine is present naturally in many of the foods and beverages that we eat and drink every day ranging from lettuce, mushrooms and table salt. In the case of sucralose, its addition converts sucrose to sucralose, which is essentially inert. The result is an exceptionally stable sweetener that tastes like sugar, but without sugar's calories. After consumption, sucralose passes through the body without being broken down for energy, so it has no calories, and the body does not recognize it as a carbohydrate.

Refreshing! I can't wait to try this delicious drink that's "the first ever energy beverage to hit the juice aisles."

Tom Ford sets a poor example

I recall reading a quote from Tom Ford saying he only drinks vodka sodas because they're less caloric than other cocktails. Apparently he's now trying to push his lifestyle choice on us all. Don't fall prey to fashion's ugly subliminal messages! On closer inspection, there's no ice in that drink. I guess we see what we want to see.

Drunk history

Via LiquorSnob, Funny or Die has a hilarious set of Drunk History videos, in which someone gets loaded and tells a story of historical importance, which is then acted out by comedians like Michael Cera and Jack Black. Some of the audio is NSFW, so wear your headphones.

A new tradition: the unity cocktail

My pal Cior sent this link to me- Offbeat Bride reports on a wedding where they had a ceremonial shaking of the wedding cocktail. I can imagine the speech to go with it: "May the union of these two people symbolized by the wedding ring be like the marriage of rye whiskey to sweet vermouth brought together in perfect harmony with the addition of Angostura bitters."

Bud and Clam

Wow. Get ready for pre-mixed Budweiser and Clamato Cheladas. (Read the press release here.) It sounds absolutely crazy, but the Chelada stands for Michelada, which is a popular drink in Mexico. There are two schools of Micheladas. One is with beer, lime juice, and Tabasco/Worcestershire sauce with a salted rim. That's the one I've most often read about and had in several bars in California and even in Mexico. The other type is this one, a beer Bloody Mary. I've only read about it but obviously it's popular enough that they produced a pre-mixed product and already test-marketed it before launch. And apparently, it's already available in my closest Mexican grocery. I'd try it except I don't eat meat. Maybe I'll experiment with V8 juice instead.

Go Watch Wondrich

David Wondrich's appearance on Conan O'Brien is here. Go to the episode for Friday, Jan 11, and it's the fourth segment. It's pretty darn funny. Some quotes from Conan:

"That is going down into my lungs right now, and eating them." "Why are you putting an egg in that drink?" "I don't like this drink but it looks cool."

Free crazy juice

Neyah of NOPA found this on Craigslist in the 'collectibles' section:

FREE St. George Absinthe Verte

---

Reply to: sale-518688964@craigslist.org Date: 2007-12-24, 1:40PM PST I waited in front of the door to St. George Distillery at the defunct Alameda Naval Station for 4 (count 'em F-O-U-R) days in the freezing wind and cold, waiting for the HISTORIC moment to arrive: the first U.S. distilled absinthe since 1912 available for legal purchase. Alas, the much awaited 11:00AM hour tolled on the 21st of December of the year 2007. The distillery doors flung open, smashing my frozen nose, but I was not deterred! My frost bitten fingers were shaking as I handed over my plastic currency and stuttered "T t t twelve b b b bottles p p p please". At $75.00 USD a pop I could hardly afford this expenditure on my part-time clown income, but I was determined to chase the green fairy until I found doG, or, at least got laid. I hobbled through the warm tasting room past professional drinkers parading themselves as Grey Uniformed Green Fairy Guardians. Bursting through the back door I elbowed my way through throngs of green eyed monkeys hungrily eyeing my clinking cache of TRUTH ELIXER. Out on the desolate, weed choked former jet fighter runway I slammed the trunk of my convertible Falcon Futura closed on 11 bottles. Looking across the bay at the almost sinister skyline of Little Gotham West I slither into the back seat, frozen limbs tingling, heart audibly pounding my rib cage. I pop the cork and release the green fairy. Eschewing proper absinthe preparation I tip my head back and gulp straight from the bottle. Pungent aromas of anise and fennel assault my nostrils as the holy green liquid tumbles down my throat. I feel like I am simultaneously ascending and descending as distilled wormwood wriggles into my brain. I returned to this body 48 hours later and there are no words to explain that I now understand everything. You cannot revisit the revelation, thus I have no need to imbibe the remaining liquid doorway. I am dispensing the opened bottle to strangers, and have randomly scattered the remaining 11 bottles near fairy symbols throughout the Bay Area.

It's a treasure hunt! But seeking fairies in San Francisco is going to be like looking for hay in a haystack.

Journey

In my Bay Guardian story that came out today I made reference to Gestalt Haus, the beer bar where they "put in a double-decker bike rack that lures fixie-riding Mission hipsters like a free Journey concert." Now that it's cool to sing along to Journey again the kids just can't stop believing. In a bit a great timing, I just got this press release tonight:

Healdsburg, CALIF. December 18, 2007 — Legendary rock band, Journey, and De La Montanya Winery have come together for the second year in a row to produce a limited edition wine. The De La Montanya family and the band Journey have elected to donate all proceeds to the Greater Bay Area Make-a-Wish foundation.

They're promoting wine for charity to their fellow Boomers but if Journey wanted to make more cash for kids they'd could just sell a couple songs to Schlitz.

Jetfuel

Man Nearly Dies Downing Vodka at Airport (12-12) 12:27 PST BERLIN, Germany (AP) --

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing two pints of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new rules about carrying liquids aboard a plane, police said Wednesday.

The incident occurred Tuesday at the Nuremberg airport, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a vacation in Egypt.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked.

Instead, he chugged the vodka — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment. The man, whose name was not released, is expected to be able to go home in a few days.

I think the natural question here is: What brand of vodka?

Really!

I was going through my receipts from my Aspen trip (write-offs, don't ya know) when I discovered that I had been charged for ice in a bar. (A bar that had de-iced its sidewalks that day, no less.) I guess it's a good thing I didn't need a straw or garnish!

News of the Eww

Hospital patients 'drinking' alcohol-based hand gels

THE introduction of alcohol-based hand gels to tackle hospital superbugs has had an unwanted side-effect - patients consuming them.

Researchers writing in the British Medical Journal have revealed that inquiries about the consumption of alcohol gels to a London poisons unit increased sharply after they were widely introduced in hospitals across the UK in 2005. They found that people were either consuming them by mistake or because they were in a confused state.

But often they were being used by alcoholics to ease their cravings.

Master Blaster

Since two people sent me a link to the New York Times story about how technically you can't use your hands to insert lime into a Corona due to health codes, I thought I'd do the New York Times a favor and let them know that there already exists a device for this exact purpose and their whole story was moot. Here's the times story, and here's the solution to the problem. Yours in journalism, -Camper

Shaken, not stirred

We just had a very long duration earthquake here in San Francisco, and I instinctively ran to the liquor cabinet to protect anything from falling out. Sad, but true.

A categorized list of "martinis"

A fun list on Kottke.org of (mostly bad) martinis, including

Franklin-tini (for Ben Franklin's 300th birthday) Mex-tini (orange vodka + tequila) Sex-tini (Asian sex tonic + x-rated vodka) Flu-tini (vodka + cold medicine) Red Lobster Butter-Tini (butterscotch schnapps + half and half + Bailey's) Bikini-tini (low calorie) K-tini (sauerkraut) Red Hot Santa-tini (chili peppers + whipped cream) Insomnia-tini (energy drink) Peep-tini (Peeps candy)

For a change, reading about drinks doesn't make me thirsty at all.

National Vodka Day is October 4

By me, in today's SF Chronicle:

7 reasons to celebrate National Vodka Day

Because vodka is by definition tasteless and minute differences in flavor don't make up for massive differences in shelf prices charged for it, spirits snobs tend to dismiss the whole category. But let's take a minute to reflect on the good things about vodka as we celebrate National Vodka Day on Thursday, Oct. 4:

-- It mixes with anything, so it's easy to use. Even amateur mixologists can make farmers' market cocktails with vodka, soda and the muddled fruit of the day.

-- No Jagermeister breath.

-- Cosmopolitans, Moscow mules, lemon drops, white Russians, madras, bay breezes, Bloody Marys: Yum.

-- The marketing of vodka provides no end to amusement. Carbonated, caffeinated, sold in a bong? Yep, we've seen those.

-- You don't have to think too hard about pairing it to bring out the subtle aromas of coriander and fennel. Just add juice. It works.

-- Some of the flavored vodkas are actually pretty terrific.

-- Not only does vodka not stain when you spill it on the rug, it can be used as a stain remover. Take that, wine!

Finally!

I can't tell you how many hours I've sat around pining for a caffeinated schnapps, but luckily the wait is over. Available in Cherry Bomb, Mango Chili, and Pomegranate Spice flavor. D00ds, let's get frickin' schnapped!

Sock Suckers

In Eric Felten's most recent Wall Street Journal article, he takes on bad, and badly-named drinks. He goes into one particular drink but takes an extra sentence to describe the name.

Popular in Australia, it seems, is a shooter made of Baileys and butterscotch liqueur. The drink's elaborate and unprintable title vividly describes a "cowboy" engaged in an activity the Supreme Court adjudicated in Bowers v. Hardwick. Frankly, I can't decide which is more distasteful -- the lewd logo, or a drink of Baileys and butterscotch liqueur.

That's a long way of saying "cowboy socksucker." (I'm replacing the 'c' with an 's', as I don't want to get this blog banned from too many more places.) When I moved to San Francisco they made this drink (and I was quite fond of it at the time, but I was dumb and pretty then) but they just called it the socksucker. Back in Boston we called it the butterball. I wondered how many other names there were for this drink containing all of two ingredients, so I turned to DrinksMixer.com. This database has so many repeated and wrong recipes that finding other names for drinks is about the only thing it's good for. It turns out the drink of Irish cream liqueur and butterscotch liqueur is also called:

Bit 'o Honey Butterbee Butterscotch Bomb Butterscotch Cookie Shot Buttery Nipple Buttery Nipple #2 Camel Hump Socksucking Cowboy Copper Camel Cowboy Socksucker Oatmeal Cookie #2 Slippery Nipple

Best product placement ever

Eve Celebrates SCRAM Removal with Vodka?

Rapper Eve reportedly celebrated completing a court-ordered 45 days sober with a case of vodka.

The hip-hop star had an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet removed on Saturday, leaving her free to enjoy the drink on offer at the VMA party suites at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas.

A spy tells Page Six, "When a cocktail waitress walked over to her with a bottle of Svedka, her eyes lit up.

"She got kind of nervous when they wanted her to take a photo, and wouldn't pose with the bottle -- but then her assistant asked a promoter to send a case to her house."

Eve was ordered to wear the Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitoring bracelet last month after striking a plea agreement following her DUI arrest in April.

That was awesome! Their "spy" (read: shameless Svedka vodka PR person) just placed the "I'm going to Disneyland!" equivalent of finishing the terms of your DUI conviction. Bravo.

No-No-Jito

Mojito cocktail garnish is recalled

WASHINGTON, Sept. 4 (UPI) -- The Food and Drug Administration announced the recall of approximately 5,000 cases of Rimmer Mojito Cocktail Garnish due to possible contamination.

Stirrings LLC of Fall River, Mass., initiated the voluntary nationwide recall of the 3.5-ounce packages because they might be contaminated with salmonella bacteria.

When I read the headline, I thought, WHY DON'T THEY JUST CALL IT 'MINT'? (I always talk to myself in capslock.) But it turns out that Stirrings' version of mojito garnish is lime flavored sugar. Is it wrong that I thought IF YOU GARNISH YOUR MOJITO WITH LIME SUGAR YOU DESERVE TO BE POISONED?

The view from the other side of the bar

Chow.com's Jordan Mackay has been bartending at Cantina and sharing his observations from the other side of the bar. This article is pretty darn funny.

7. The drunk regulars will need to be kicked out at closing time. If you are that regular, please do not try to hug the bartender.

Here's a question for you bartenders I always wonder about: How much of peoples' conversations can you hear at a crowded bar? Since we're all facing the bartender can he/she hear a lot, or is it as loud to the bartender as it is us trying to hear each other? I always wonder if I should lower my voice when talking smack about the drinks.

Jeeves, Hand me the Royal Goggles

DEVASTATED Princess Diana told her hairdresser that husband Prince Charles "must be wearing BEER GOGGLES to have an affair with Camilla.

Naked hula dancing not distracting enough

Creative beer shoplifting attempt: One masked, but otherwise naked, man hula danced in a convenience store to create a distraction so that his buddy could steal a case of beer during the confusion. Unfortunately it didn't work. Perhaps they should have thought smaller. If I were a convenience store worker and someone offered to do a masked naked hula dance in exchange for a beer, I would have said yes. It would probably be the only thing interesting that happened all day.

Goofy Beer

This article lists the Seven Beer Wonders of the World- all the recent goofy beer you've heard about- beer for your dog, pizza beer, bilk, etc.

Does this sex toy go with red or white?

Decanter.com reports on wine and sex toy parties thrown by sex toy shop Babeland. This is such a good idea I'm a bit disappointed it didn't originate in San Francisco. We have at least two wine bars in every neighborhood (even the ghettos), unionized strippers, and shame-free sex toy stores in boutique shopping districts. Kudos to Babeland for smart thinking. Here's an idea: Someone should open a sex toy shop/wine tasting bar in the wine country. That way all those bachelorette wine tasting limo tours could kill two birds with one stone. I have a million of these great ideas a day. I'd be dangerous if I had ambition...

Bears Eat Beer-Filled Boozer

BEARS EAT DRUNK AT BEER FESTIVAL

Beer festival reveller dies after taking a short cut

By Mark Ellis

A DRUNK staggering home from a beer festival took a short cut through a zoo's bear cage - and was found half-eaten next day.

Amazingly, Branko Jovanovic, 22, was still alive when zoo staff discovered him - despite having a leg torn off and half his face chewed away.

But he died later on his way to hospital in Belgrade, Serbia, after keepers battled to prise him from the jaws of the Tibetan black bears.

Zoo director Vuk Bojovic said: "I will never forget what I saw. The bears had taken him to a corner to eat him, and torn off his leg and most of his face, but he was still alive.

"The bears were really aggressive - they obviously regarded him as food and fought to hang on to their meal. It took ages to get them away from him."

Ghoulish visitors have made the two bears - Masha and Misha - an overnight hit with double the usual number of people coming to see them.

Officials now plan to make it harder to get into the bear enclosure - even though the wall Jovanovic climbed was 18ft high.

And they also hit out at the beer festival organisers.

Bojovic said: "We had warned the organisers to stage it further away.

"We have had all sorts of problems from revellers although we did not think anyone would be stupid enough to enter the cage.

"The area where the beer festival takes place is up on a hill while the zoo is downhill, and the bears' cage has no roof so the drinkers were always throwing things in there.

"Keepers have found beer cans, mobile phones and even used condoms in the cage.

"We warned the organisers that they needed to control their guests better.

"We want it moved to a new location far from the zoo next year."

The problem with moonshine...

...is that you get the Dukes of Hazzard theme song stuck in your head when you write about it. You'll have to wait until next week for the story, but I invite you to join me in my personal hell:

Good Ol' Boys by Waylon Jennings - Dukes of Hazzard Lyrics Just the good ol' boys, Never meanin' no harm, Beats all you've ever saw, been in trouble with the law since the day they was born. Straight'nin' the curve, Flat'nin' the hills. Someday the moutain might get 'em, but the law never will. Makin' their way, The only way they know how, That's just a little bit more than the law will allow. Just good ol' boys, Wouldn't change if they could, Fightin' the system like a true modern day Robin Hood.

So, so many muddlers

If you have anything to do with the booze industry, you're probably drowning in muddlers right now. I brought home seven from Tales of the Cocktail, and over the past month I've been averaging one new muddler every week. Not on purpose. With so many muddlers (and so few friends to give them to) one needs to find other uses for them. Here are some suggestions:

Muddler Dominoes

Muddler Toe Separators for Pedicures

Muddler Jenga!

Muddler Faux-Native Jewelry

If you have a $35,000 bottle of whisky, make sure to keep it safe from angry teenagers

Fate of $40,000 bottle of whisky hard to swallow Les Kennedy August 10, 2007

IT WAS an act of drunken spite against his former stepfather that led Daniel Alex D'Souza to break open a bottle of rare Scotch whisky purported to have dated back to the time of the First Fleet.

By his own account to police in a recorded interview, the 19-year-old from Cootamundra, in southern NSW, said he did not stop to savour the drop, but "poured it into the ground".

Police allege the whisky would have been worth $40,000 (Australian = $34,368 US) if sold at auction to a collector.

Its owner, Dr Frank Perera, said he believes his former stepson drank it with his mates.

Just for fun

I posted the story I wrote in 2001 about how to get your daily nutritional requirements in San Francisco from only free bar snacks. Page 1 is here. Page 2 is here.

Beating me to the Punch

I was telling someone at a bar how I wanted to publish the San Francisco bartender family tree, showing how you can connect most bars in the city through bartenders who work at multiple venues. The person I was talking to said, "Have you seen the latest issue of 7x7?" Naturally, Jordan Mackay had just published an article on bartenders working in multiple venues. Though not exactly the same thing I was going to write, I've decided that this happens far too often for it to be coincidence. Obviously Jordan cannot come up with these brilliant topics months before I do, so he clearly has invented a time machine that allows him to go into the future, and another machine that allows him to plagiarize my thoughts while there. He's very crafty. If only he would use his powers for good.

In the mix

I was joking around at the Leblon dinner last night when one of the other journalists, new to cachaca, was asking a million questions about how to make caipirinhas. "But how much lime juice? How much sugar? What is muddling? Where do I buy these limes?" I was being sassy as usual. "You chuck a lime in a glass, add a tablespoon of sugar, smash it all up, then add ice and pour cachaca over the top. How much? To taste!" Then I announced that I'm going to get rich by inventing a pre-made caipirinha mix to take advantage of the ignorance of the masses who can't put three ingredients in a glass. Then the market manager leaned over and said, "Actually Leblon is developing a caipirinha mix." I'm always just a little bit too late with my grand get-rich schemes. Then a quick search on the internet turned up this tidbit, "51 brand [Pirassununga] cachaça distributes a packaged powdered caipirinha mix consisting of sugar and freeze dried lime juice that they claim produces a "natural taste"." So I missed the boat on that one. But maybe there is room for more obvious mixes on the market. Help me with some brainstorming.

• Martini mix- prepackaged ice cubes you freeze at home with a single drop of vermouth in each one so you can just add them to the shaker.
• Manhattan mix- sweet vermouth with bitters already added.
• Gin and tonic mix- lime-flavored tonic water.
• Negroni mix- all three ingredients mixed together, with a dried orange peel taped to the side of the bottle.
• Gimlet mix- Rose's Lime Juice with a new label slapped on top

Introducing the Shotzi

While waiting for flights back to San Francisco from New Orleans, some of the hungover travelers were trying to piece together what happened the previous evening. Him: "I remember we were all doing shots..." Her: "You were making us all drink tequila shots, and you started freaking out when I wanted Jack. You went off for like five minutes about how we all had to do the same shot. You were like a shot Nazi!" Me: "What's up, Shotzi!"

Terrible News!

Imagine my horror when I picked the Sunday newspaper off my neighbor's front steps today and read the headline:

"A LIFE WITHOUT BARS"

After I stopped screaming I looked closer and found it was an article about a once-battered woman who killed her abusive husband and how she's now been freed from prison. Oh, okay then. I don't think it's right to scare a person like that.

Finally, the food and vodka pairing you've all been waiting for

Slow Food Los Angeles presents a food and vodka pairing in Beverly Hills this July, followed by one in New York in September. This would be as ludicrous as food and designer water pairings, except the vodka is the Modern Spirits line that includes celery peppercorn and pear lavender flavors. That makes a bit more sense.

Quitter

According to lab rat research, the smoking-cessation drug varenicline may also reduce cravings for alcohol. That's good news for people who can't choose between smoking or drinking for which vice they want to quit. But what would you do with your hands when you went to a bar? Maybe they should invent a pill that you can ingest by smoking or drinking it instead.

Sunday Shopping Trip

I had plans to hang out today with my friend Vanessa, but we hadn't chosen a specific activity. We were debating going for a hike or buying ingredients to cook up a big dinner, but in the end we didn't do anything nearly that healthy or constructive. Instead we went to BevMo (Beverages and More, an alcohol warehouse store) and spent nearly two hours (and $350) there. I don't really enjoy shopping for clothes or food or being in boutiques or malls, but drop me off in a liquor store and I'm like a 10-year-old in Toys-R-Us. Today it took us two hours to get through the store, even though we skipped the beer and wine sections entirely. And I felt a little rushed. It seems most people who like drinking have a fantasy of owning a bar- and I still do somewhat- though the more I learn about bar management the more it seems like a lot of staying up late and getting sticky. I realized a few months ago an easier and equally exciting fantasy is me owning the coolest liquor store in the world. I even started a running list of ideas should a silent partner suddenly appear out of thin air. In the meantime I'll have to settle for buying up half the liquor store when I go shopping, and daydreaming about owning it when I get back home.

Booze News

I checked the booze news for the past week while I was traveling. It was a good week. Tennessee is set to become the first state in the nation to require carding of anyone, without exception, who buys beer for off-premises consumption. Now underage drinkers will have to resort to asking older people outside the store to buy them booze, just like they always have. A study shows that gastric bypass surgery turns formerly hefty people into alcoholic lightweights. The EU voted that legally-termed vodka can be made from things other than cereals and potatoes (such as grapes and maple sap) as long as its labeled accordingly on the bottle. But as far as I know, every vodka that isn't made from corn proudly labels the bottle as such anyway. A manufacturer invents a "cocktail condom" that you use to cover your drink while you leave it so that you can be sure nobody drops date-rape drugs in it while you're not looking. So it's kind of like the don't-drink-my-drink coaster, but with glue. Someone created a pizza-flavored beer. Great idea, combining things that are commonly consumed at the same time into one tasty treat. I always pour a half gallon of milk into my cereal box and keep it in the refrigerator for the month. It turns out that most organic certified beer isn't totally organic- most hops aren't, but you only need 95% of organic ingredients to be USDA certified. In the wake of the bad press, one hopes more hops will go orgo. Heineken launches a new skinny, taller can for its light beer- sort of like the Virginia Slims model of package design. But wait Heineken light? Does it taste like water, with extra-extra water flavor?

Expired Link

Here's something small I wrote for Friday's SF Chronicle, so most of it has already happened.

Tips for tipplers on surviving Pride weekend

1. He who stays out too late on Pink Saturday won't wake up in time to do her makeup on Pride Sunday.

2. The Civic Center celebration is a perfect venue for food and drink pairing if you remember this simple advice: Beer in a plastic cup always goes with food on a stick.

3. Like parades but don't feel like marching? Grab an outdoor seat at Ti Couz or another restaurant on 16th Street and enjoy a cocktail as the Dyke March goes by sometime after 7 p.m. Saturday.

4. Appletini, way out. Pomegranate, in. Try a splash of pomegranate juice or liqueur in Champagne at your pre-Pride party brunch.

5. The Trans March is on Friday. Celebrate with beer before liquor or liquor before beer. It's all good.

6. Money spent on beer at Pride booths goes back into the community. So drink responsibly but tip wildly.

7. Especially if they're hot.

-- Camper English

Craptails

CHOW.com has a pretty funny piece up on bad drinks. Like some of the commenters, I agree that there are plenty of bad drinks to write about without needing to make them up, but it's hard not to love the Salmon Colada and Hot "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"ed Rum.

Beer causes crime!

Two stories today are making beer drinkers look bad:

Man Accused Of Breaking Into House To Steal Beer, Shirt

DENVER -- A man was charged Tuesday with breaking into a Denver home to drink beer from the refrigerator and to steal a clean shirt in the dryer, the district attorney's office said.

Poisoned beer 'just a mistake'

Husband stands by wife and her 'depression issues'

UNION TWP. - A man whose wife is charged with trying to poison his beer with cleaning fluid said Wednesday it's all just a misunderstanding and they will stay together.

Truesdell became ill after drinking a beer at his home in the 500 block of Lemaster Drive.

His wife admitted to police that she had slipped cleaning fluid into his drink, Gaviglia said.

But Jonathan Truesdell said his wife didn't mean to poison him.

"It's just something that happened," he said.

From The Onion

Journalism Saves Lives (okay not really)

Right after I blog posting how sloppy cocktail journalism throws mixologists into great fits of confusion, I get an email from Martin of Forbidden Island:

I had a health inspection last week, and the inspector tried to stop me from selling Scorpion Bowls, because he said the backwash was a health hazard! I told him that he should check out Trader Vic's, then, since they've been doing it for 70 years. He didn't believe me (!), so I showed him a copy of your "Love Potions for Two" column from the Chron to convince him that it was everywhere and that did the trick. So thanks for that.

It's good to know that all my hard work cocktail reporting has real-world impact. If I can help one person- just one person- enjoy a tasty Scorpion Bowl then it will have been worth it.

Show us the love

Right now all the food bloggers are doing this exhibitionist meme where they display the unedited contents of their refrigerators. I thought it would be fun to join in to show how the other half lives. Anyone viewing this could tell that I'm a) single b) male since my refrigerator contains almost nothing but condiments and mixers. Then you look in the door and it appears I'm a drag queen. Here's the breakdown: Main Door:

• Two jars of raspberry preserves
• soda water
• soy milk
• iced tea (behind)
• homemade lemonade in pitcher
• pasta sauce
• sparkling apple cider
• (next level) Parmesan cheese
• gourmet mustard (one of 9 kinds currently in fridge)
• relish
• tofu dogs
• eggs
• (bottom level) homemade tonic water syrup
• chocolate sauce (nearly 10 years old)
• orange flower water
• Xuxu vodka/strawberry (behind)
• apple sauce
• more homemade tonic in jar
• salsa (behind)
• more iced tea
• salad dressing
• simple syrup

Door of refrigerator:

• nail polish (from dot-com era when it was hip for about 3 weeks for dudes match their shiny shirts with nail polish. I guess I should throw this out since it's all 9 years old and I can't envision an occasion calling for nail polish in the near future)
• condiments
• grenadine, red vermouth, dry vermouth

So basically, your tofu dog omelet can come with anything you want on it, but instead how about a drink?

Line Tapping Scandal!

Wis. Bar Owner Gets Ticket for Tap

(05-24) 14:19 PDT Port Washington, Wis. (AP) --

A bar owner's attempt to avoid wasting leftover beer got him a sharp reprimand and a $172 ticket. Ray Wendt used a Miller Lite tap to serve Coors Light. He said he told customers they were drinking Colorado beer, not that from nearby Milwaukee.

"I didn't think nothing was tragic about it," Wendt said.

But police and state inspectors disagreed, fining him and sending him a letter that called the mislabeling "a major violation."

Wendt's American Legion bar normally serves Miller Lite.

But a wedding party asked for Coors Light for their reception earlier this month. Wendt ordered it, then found the tap handle he was given didn't fit his dispenser. He substituted a Miller Lite handle.

"It's not like I was pouring different liquor into a bottle," he said. "The Coors and Miller Lite cost the same."

The next morning, he served leftover Coors Light to his regulars.

"I said it was Coors Light, not Miller," he said. "I didn't lie to nobody."

He took a few days off and returned to work May 8, when two representatives from the state Department of Revenue and a Port Washington police officer conducted the annual inspection of his bar. They found the Miller Lite handle still connected to the Coors Light barrel.

State and city laws prohibit bar owners from dispensing beer from another brand's tap. The police officer ticketed Wendt, and the state sent him a warning.

Port Washington Police Chief Richard Thomas said Wendt has a well-run bar, but "the statute is pretty clear. You can't do this."

"It was an honest mistake," protested Wendt, who plans to fight the ticket.

I have Stuff in Stuff

Run screaming to your local newsstand and pick up the June issue of Stuff Magazine. You'll know it because of the scantily clad woman on the cover. Rip out all the pages until 56, where you'll see the latest riveting piece of cocktail journalism by Camper English. Now, you won't see the name Camper English anywhere on the page because they're not about bylines (just tan lines), but that's me all right. The "article" is Yoga Pose, Drink, or Sex Position? Play along at home, but you'll have to buy the magazine (or, you know, discuss in the comments) to find the answers. Yoga Pose, Drink Name, or Sex Position?

1. Zombie
2. Corpse
3. Downward-Facing Dog
4. Suffering Bastard
5. Throat Swab
6. Mudslide
7. Thunderbolt
8. Reverse Cowgirl
9. Wheelbarrow
10. Sleeping Beauty
11. Warrior
12. Bulldog

What I like to do for fun, since I know all the answers (not that I do yoga- I looked it up) is try to imagine what the drink recipe would be if it had one of the sex or yoga names. (Maybe the Reverse Cowgirl would be a Coors Light followed by a shot of bourbon.) But you probably shouldn't play the game in the other direction unless you want to imagine a sex position called the Mudslide...

Frog-tastic!

Apparently, frog juice is all the rage in Peru.

Neighborhood Tequila Guide to San Francisco

Sometimes on the Seis de Mayo our memories are not as clear as they should be. If you've misplaced your cell phone or wallet (or pants) somewhere in the night, you can try to retrace your steps to find them, but this isn't easy if you can't remember where those steps were. If you can't recall where you were drinking in San Francisco but do remember what you were drinking, this guide should help get you to the right neighborhood.

If you were drinking a	Then you were drinking in
Body shot off a stripper	North Beach
Mexican coffee	The Tenderloin
Patron shot with salt and lime	The Marina
Tequila sunrise	The Richmond
Partida anejo, neat	Downtown
Margarita by the pitcher	The Mission
Frozen margarita with a straw	The Castro

Don't let this happen to you

I was just hankering for a glass of water, so I poured myself one. Or rather, I: Recipe for a glass of sparkling water

• Grab a pint glass
• In the freezer, do the daily ice rotation (throwing out the older ice, moving the new cubes to a fresh bag, and filling the trays with Britta-filtered water).
• Cut an organic lemon in half and squeeze a small amount of juice into the glass
• Outdoors, pick a few leaves of fresh mint from planter. Wash and add to glass.
• Add ice to glass, pressing on it to gently release the mint flavor while not pulverizing it.
• Add filtered water to 1-litre vessel, then carbonate using home soda making device
• Fill glass with sparkling water
• Add a straw and garnish with a lemon wedge

When making a glass of water takes ten minutes, you know you've crossed some kind of line.

Very Special Vodka

(In Today's SF Chronicle)

Vodka for special moments?

For something that tastes like nothing, spirits companies can find a lot of ways to market vodka. We've seen vodka flavored with garlic, vodka bottles shaped like a bong, vodka made out of cactus, and vodka with energy supplements. What more could they possibly do to sell the stuff? Add bubbles, of course!

At least two new products have started what could be the best worst trend in vodka. Vodka O2 (www.sparklingvodka.com) has infused bubbles that "create a lightly effervescent texture that gently tingles on the tongue." Better yet, Nuvo For Her (www.nuvoforher.com) is a pink "vodka liqueur" (vodka, wine and fruit nectar) with ad copy that reads like something you'd expect to buy at Good Vibrations rather than BevMo: "The world's first sparkling vodka liqueur that celebrates 'Joie de Vivre,' the Joy of Life, and the pleasure of women sharing beautiful moments. Nuvo's delicate fruity taste, distinctive pink colour, and enchanting bottle allow you to experience a whole new array of sensations like never before." We've just discovered a new spirits category: soft-core vodka.

-- Camper English

This Just In: Water Enthusiasm

According to this press release, water is the new wine.

"The next generation of water enthusiasts and connoisseurs demand a higher level of sophistication, style, quality and taste beyond the conventional products that clutter the market. Elevating the profile of fine bottled water and educating the public is one way we help build brand awareness and set facts straight on bottled water" says Jason Boardé founder of AquaBar. AquaBar is a luxury water service based in Beverly Hills that supplies fine establishments and discerning beverage drinkers with premium H2o.

Placement

I was just thinking that if cachaca brands really want to reach a wider audience they need to get hip-hoppers to start drinking it and rapping about it in songs and calling out brands. I'm sure there are lots of words that rhyme with Pirassununga. I'd like to volunteer my services as an ad director for the campaigns that follow. Here's a slogan I already wrote:

Cachaca- It's the Cachizzle!

Caipirinha, The Musical

As I think about drinks all day then have a drink to relax at night, it's no wonder that cocktails sometimes invade my sleep too. Most often that's in the form of stressful dreams, but last night was a fun one. I dreamt I was watching a movie called Caipirinha! in which muddling a caipirinha would release some sort of happy magic and everyone in the room would shout "Caipirinha!" It should go without saying that this was a feel-good movie.

Warm and fuzzy wine

Critterwines.com just launched. It's a website that makes judging a wine by the label extra-easy. You select the critter you like, and it tells you the brands of wine that have pictures of the critter on the label, from antelopes to zebras. The world needed this!

Walking on Water

Thrillist found these lovely flask flip-flops. I think of them as efficient, more than sneaky. You can wear them to the beach to prevent your feet from burning on the hot sand, then cool off with a drink served out of them. They're multi-purpose, and that's good.

Whining and Dining

So far there are only two of them, but I love these Whining and Dining videos. Brenda and Brenda (Cintra Wilson and Nancy Balbrier) sample wine and cheeses, then compare them to celebrities. Note: the audio on the second one is not safe for work.