Drinking my way through SkyMall

Who doesn't love the awesomeness that is SkyMall? It's a catalogue filled with absolutely nothing you need and everything you want that you don't know you want until you see it and know that you can't possibly go on living without it. It's so good they should call it AirCrack. Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on planes lately and decided to make a thorough investigation of all the drinking accessories in the catalogue. I didn't do it for me, I did it for you, my fans. What do you call a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine for adults? A Little Snowie. Just add bourbon and you can call the thing a Julep maker. That's great, but entirely useless unless you buy a portable ice cube maker to sit next to it. You know what would be great to put on that sno-cone? Some sort of lemon vodka concoction. And the most efficient way to mix that up is using this fabulous "Old Fashioned Lemonade Stand" (aka lemondrop dispenser) that keeps your booze and juice mixed, and comes with a built-in citrus reamer on top! For simpler tastes, forget the Little Snowie and buy yourself a Lil' Chill Shot machine to cool your shooters down to -2 degrees Fahrenheit. Oddly, the website has dropped the "Lil'" part of the name, but perhaps they didn't want it to be known as Baby's First JagerBomb. Not classy enough? Understandable. Perhaps then you'd prefer this poolside faux-wood tiki table to set your drinks on. Indoors, my choice is the Sixtheenth-Century Italian Replica Globe Bar that opens to reveal glasses and booze inside what looks to be an antique globe- it's a great way to fool the maid who's always getting in to your liquor. These accessories are all great, but they don't meet the entirely of my high-tech boozing needs. Here are some suggestions for new SkyMall products: - Homemade tonic water machine: Just insert of chunk of rare Peruvian cinchona tree bark in one end, and in ten minutes out comes fresh bubbly tonic water. Bark sold separately. - Rim-Tastic 9000: Say goodbye to clumpy rims and hello to the Rim-Tastic 9000! Place your margarita glass in the appliance and select your choice of flavored sugar or salt rims from the control panel, then watch Rim-Tastic go to work creating an even, perfect garnish every time! - Ultra-Sonic Cocktail Shaker: When stirring takes too long and shaking bruises your gin, it's time to call in this new high-tech tippling technology. Using sound waves to integrate rather than agitate your ingredients, your cocktail won't just mix, it will form a molecular flavor bond that holds up to even the most watery of ice cubes. (Also works to clean dentures.)

Another history lesson

It's been a long time since we had a new episode of Drunk History, but it was so, SO worth the wait. [via LiquorSnob]

Reading material

- A nice summary of micro-distilling in Oregon. They have 17 micro-distilleries already! The article also alerted me to a surely fine Oregon product called Bu-Tay vodka, which comes in regular and blue. It's hard to beat their tagline: "Make Bu-Tay Your Call." - Eric Felten rediscovers the Twentieth Century cocktail, and an annual celebration of the drink by train (and Sherlock Holmes) enthusiasts. - The "Richard Branson of India," Vijay Mallya, announced a patent on diet vodka and diet whisky. Approximately .0002 seconds later, the Scotch Whisky Association announced "that ain't no whisky." - This article from Plenty Magazine lists some eco-cocktails. I learned from it that there is an organic Pisco, an organic line of liqueurs including brandy, orange (could this be the orgo triple-sec we've been waiting for?), chocolate, and coffee, as well as two more organic rums called Matraga and Papagayo. - Madison approves banning cheap liquor in the downtown area to discourage panhandlers. That's ridiculous. If they can do this, can't neighborhoods ban cheap anything to keep out the poor and middle classes? You suck, Madison. - Mmm, tacky fashion wine box.

Poppers

It's so hot in my apartment in San Francisco right now that a cork stopper just spontaneously popped off a bottle of vodka in my living room. Or perhaps it was a divine sign that I need a refreshing cocktail right about now...

Green drinking

As I was picking the fallen houseplant leaf off the shag carpet, I wondered what it would taste like in a drink. (Who wouldn't?) I bit into it to find it reminded me of snap peas shells. Undeterred, I proceeded to experiment with a cocktail. Intervention Inspiration 4 leaves of houseplant, with center veins removed 2 ounces cucumber vodka 1/2 ounce honey syrup 1/4 ounce lemon juice pinch black pepper Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into cocktail glass. The drink is disgusting, of course. And now I can't get the taste of houseplant out of my mouth.

Attempted bribery

Well, it finally happened. I received cash in the mail the other day from a liquor company. It's about time! I've been waiting for a bribe for years here at Alcademics, with my fingers hovering over the "Best Product Evar!!" keys. There's a reason you don't see an ethics policy listed on this website, and that's because I don't have any ethics. Wine me, dine me, send me flowers- I'm easy. I just wish they had made it easier to get at the money. They put the five-pound note behind glass. I think it's glued on a piece of cardboard, so that's going to be hard to get off. And if I can remove it without ripping it all up then I have to take it to the bank to get it converted into useful American money. Someone needs to teach the Bushmills people better bribery skills. But seriously folks, this is pretty cool. The Bank of Ireland put the Bushmills distillery on the five pound note to celebrate the 400th anniversary of their license to distill whiskey. The Bushmills people are like "Irish money is free advertising!" and are undoubtedly psyched. They framed the note and sent it to me to join my wall art, perfectly in keeping with my entirely booze-related decorating scheme. The thing is, they're also putting the distillery on the ten and 20 pound notes. If they really wanted to bribe me couldn't they have sent more money?

Form of: An ice luge! Shape of: umm...

The website copy reads:

Lugez is proud to present our first product that is guaranteed to make your mouth drop. This penis is not just for looks…..it has function. Pour a shot at the top and drink at the tip. After that you got yourself an ice luge party penis that gets you drunk.

Lugez is a fantastic addition to all wild bachelorette parties and adult party games that are willing to go the extra step to add something special to their party. And now bachelorettes don’t have to feel guilty about getting friendly with a foreign penis one last time before the big day. Big enough for fun and small enough to fit in a normal freezer.

See this fine product here. (mildly NSFW)

Even cocktails fall victim to Photoshop

We expect to see photoshopped celebrities in magazines, but must our cocktails be digitally manipulated also? Sure, mint is hard to style, but can't booze brands with big budgets invest a little more time in making the drinks look real? Fake mint makes me sad.

Where's the party?

Here's a fun blog about irresponsible drinking.

Try this, it's disgusting

A case went to trial in New Zealand recently over an incident that occurred last summer. A customer ordered a mulled wine but was served dishwashing liquid instead. Oops!

Customer Sarah Ferguson had bought a glass of mulled wine from Old Man Rock Cafe and, noticing an immediate burning sensation around the lips and mouth, spat out the liquid.

A worker at the cafe, Bethany Sim, offered to test the mulled wine and immediately suffered a similar but more extreme reaction to Ferguson.

With both women in pain, an ambulance was called.

Apparently the cafe received dishwashing liquid in a reused bottle for Mountain Thunder brand mulled wine.

1. They sell pre-mulled mulled wine?
2. Mountain Thunder! That's the name of my new band.

The most important month of 2008

May is National Vinegar Month! Alcademics Vinegarwatch goes into hyper-drive! The press release from the Vinegar Institute (How do I join?) lists some of the culinary uses for vinegar:

In the kitchen, numerous vinegar varieties reign supreme when it comes to cooking. Many cooks know the solution to balancing flavors and adding a creative flair can be found right in the pantry. Vinegar is the cook's best friend when it comes to creating intriguing flavors in salads, sauces, marinades and more. If a dish lacks a little 'zip', a dash or two of the endless varieties of vinegar brings it to life or balances out flavors. The extended vinegar family includes such favorites as: Apple Cider Vinegar, Balsamic Vinegar, Rice Vinegar, and Wine Vinegar to name a few. Each variety offers its own distinct flavor and appeal. Numerous vinegar infusions can also be created with fresh herbs or fruit for countless flavor possibilities.

Unfortunately they left out the most important use for vinegar- as 2008's trendiest cocktail ingredient! When I become chairperson of the Vinegar Institute, things are gonna change. Vinegarwatch continues!

The second best press release of the day

I'm having trouble figuring out if this event is a celebration or a protest.

SALT LAKE CITY (April 30, 2008) – Impending changes in Utah’s liquor laws in Senate Bill 211 (SB211) will allow restaurants and private clubs to begin serving 1.5 ounces of primary alcohol in martinis and other single-liquor drinks on May 5, 2008. Club Bambara is marking the date by pouring Utah’s first 1.5 ounce martini, appropriately named the “SB211.” SB211 eliminates sidecars, or separate shots of alcohol, in mixed drinks, but allows martinis and other single-liquor dinks to have a 1.5 ounce total alcohol content. Previous, if guests wanted more than an ounce in their martini, they had to order a sidecar and pour in the additional liquor themselves after their drink was concocted. “It makes such a huge difference in the integrity of a cocktail to be able to prepare it properly. All the ingredients should be created together for the best taste,” said Club Bambara’s master mixologist Austin Craig.

Wait...what!?! You used to be able to buy separate ingredients and mix your own drink in the glass, but now that's illegal and the compromise is that you can have a whole ounce and a half of one alcohol ingredient and no others? GEE THANKS, NOW IT SUCKS DIFFERENTLY. On the other hand, master mixologist Austin Craig's job just got even easier.

Best press release of the day

I received what appears to be a press release announcing the success of releasing this press release:

LAD communications Announces Successful PR Launch PORTLAND, Ore., April 30, 2008 – LAD communications celebrates the launch of The Deschutes Brewery and Public House located at 210 NW 11th Ave., in the heart of Portland’s bustling Pearl District. As the first pub in Portland for the Bend, Oregon based Deschutes, this launch showcases LAD’s ability to generate significant buzz and interest in both the media and the public for this distinctive Oregon microbrewery.

That, my friends, is not PR. That is meta-publicity. That is art.

Recession Reading

The New York Times reports that people are spending less on food and booze than usual.

Sales of inexpensive domestic beers, like Keystone Light, are up; sales of higher-price imports, like Corona Extra, are down, the firm said.

Some are skipping drinks altogether. The number of people ordering an alcoholic drink fell to 31 percent last month from 42 percent last summer, according to a survey of 2,500 people conducted by Technomic, a restaurant industry consulting firm.

Perhaps this is a good time to remind Alcademics readers that I authored one of the finest works of budget literature ever put into print: Party Like a Rock Star: Even When You're Poor As Dirt. Here's what people are saying:

Playboy.com

“Camper English [is] San Francisco's resident nightlife guru…. if anyone knows how to navigate the party scene with an almost empty wallet, it's English."

The San Francisco Weekly

“Smart and funny, the book makes for an easy and enlightening read.”

The San Francisco Chronicle’s SFGate.com

“English shares his hard-won financial advice for living the cash-poor high life… It's packed with ingenious and mostly legal tips on saving money (perhaps for rehab).”

Curve Magazine

"Well-written and freakin’ hysterical."

Customer review on Amazon.com

"I think "Party Like a Rock Star" should have been named "Party like an Egocentric Sociopath Who Thinks Laws Don't Exist for Him.""

Get your copy today!

Gin 2.0

My friend Cior sent me a link to a talk at the Web 2.0 conference in San Francisco by Clay Shirky, because the talk referenced gin. (My friends know me well.) The talk was about how we dissipate the free time and mental energy ("cognitive surplus") we have after working. In the beginning of the industrial revolution when the masses streamed into London, Shirky says consumption of gin was the way of dealing with the new pressures of city living. Post WWII, television became the new post-work brain relaxer, and nowadays, collaborative web projects like Wikipedia are a productive way to spend those mental energy cycles. So really, the talk isn't booze-related at all. But after reading it, I could use a nice relaxing martini.

Boozy goodness from the internet

- Ibar lists 1,000 drink recipes on your ipod. So now you can be that annoying guy who asks the bartenders for drinks they don't know, like the Frascati's Jubilee Flip. [via LiquorSnob] - Dos Equis launched a hilarious campaign to find an assistant to the "most interesting man in the world." The previous assistant, Steve, was killed in an archery accident. His memory will be honored on April 23, by Dos Equis and the Association of Celebrity Personal Assistants. - Drink Dogma has a ton of info about rhubarb cocktails. - The Ladies United for the Preservation of Endangered Cocktails in Boston have put out a cocktail book. - Nightclub and lifestyle brand Ministry of Sound put out their own vodka. I bet we'll see tons of branded vodkas coming out soon, just like the branded bottled water they have at the Gap. [via Martini Groove] - Neyah White lists a recipe for homemade Rose Vermouth. - More vodkas are coming out that list what's in them. This one is made from Malbec grapes. They also have a Chardonnay and Cabernet variety not available in the US. [via Martini Groove] - 10 Cane rum is sponsoring a 10k race in Portland this June. There's nothing like a little rum to cure leg cramps. - All about arrack. - Scorpion-infused vodka "imparts a pleasant soft, woody taste" and "makes a dramatic scorpion martini." I bet it does. [via Complex] - Here's a new one: absinthe-flavored vodka. I'll have mine without the scorpion, thanks. [via Martini Groove]

Seriously

Did the Kentucky Derby really need an official tequila? Let's stay on-message here, people.

Grandpa's drink

Via Liquor Snob, Frozen Smiles ice cube trays. Available on Amazon.

Snakebite?

And I thought the mezcal worm was gross...

Hundreds of bottles of booze with a bite seized in Palo Pinto

Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission agents seized 411 bottles of illegal hooch Thursday at Bayou Bob's Brazos River Rattlesnake Ranch in Palo Pinto County.

But it wasn't your typical variety of moonshine: the bottles of vodka also contained 10-inch rattlesnakes.

Conceptual recipes

Check out these measuring jugs by Harry White. They'd make for some fun cocktail recipes. "Add two Tyrannosaurus Rex brains worth of vodka, a million grains of sugar and 197 milliliters of lime juice to the shaker..."

Booze cops: Now Hiring

Don't you think Booze Cops would make a nice reality show? I do, except I'm all-too likely to show up on it wearing handcuffs while clutching a gift bag for dear life. In any case, the ABC is hiring. You know where to find me when you need to increase your arrest quota.

A few useful terms

The New York Times addresses the condition they're calling "drunkorexia," which they file under the Fashion & Style coverage. Alas, the story isn't about the subculture of partying supermodel hipsters in Brooklyn, but the combination of two medical conditions- alcoholism and anorexia. It's neither about fashion nor style, so don't let them trick you into learning anything. If they're going to define new terms for combination disorders with booze, then I have a few to add to the lexicon.

• AADD- Constantly losing one's drink
• Drunksomnia- The inability to get to sleep without a nightcap.
• Alcrophobia- The fear of drinking in top-floor hotel bars
• Alcoheimer's- Forgetfulness due to excessive consumption of alcohol the previous evening
• Postalcoholic Stress Disorder- Severe anxiety common amongst alcoheimer's sufferers, frequently resulting in unnecessary next-day apologies
• Claustroholic- A person who only drinks in crowded bars and nightclubs on weekends
• Agoraholic- A person who only drinks in empty dive bars
• Aeroalcophobia- The fear that the plane will hit turbulence and they'll never bring the goddamn drink cart around
• Schlitzophrenia- A person whose personality changes radically when drinking
• Bingecontinence- The loss of bladder control due to alcohol consumption

Feel free to add your own NYT-worthy conditions in the comments.

Juiced up

Via BevNet, Ocean Spray is introducing an energy juice drink called Cranergy, "to help fight America's energy crisis." I'm not sure if that slogan comes from BevNet or Ocean Spray directly, but it's pretty ridiculous. The drinks are juice with Splenda, fortified with B vitamins and green tea extract. This provides drinkers with "a natural energy lift they can feel good about." Sure. From the Splenda website:

The process selectively replaces three hydrogen-oxygen groups on the sugar molecule with three chlorine atoms. Chlorine is present naturally in many of the foods and beverages that we eat and drink every day ranging from lettuce, mushrooms and table salt. In the case of sucralose, its addition converts sucrose to sucralose, which is essentially inert. The result is an exceptionally stable sweetener that tastes like sugar, but without sugar's calories. After consumption, sucralose passes through the body without being broken down for energy, so it has no calories, and the body does not recognize it as a carbohydrate.

Refreshing! I can't wait to try this delicious drink that's "the first ever energy beverage to hit the juice aisles."

Tom Ford sets a poor example

I recall reading a quote from Tom Ford saying he only drinks vodka sodas because they're less caloric than other cocktails. Apparently he's now trying to push his lifestyle choice on us all. Don't fall prey to fashion's ugly subliminal messages! On closer inspection, there's no ice in that drink. I guess we see what we want to see.

Drunk history

Via LiquorSnob, Funny or Die has a hilarious set of Drunk History videos, in which someone gets loaded and tells a story of historical importance, which is then acted out by comedians like Michael Cera and Jack Black. Some of the audio is NSFW, so wear your headphones.

A new tradition: the unity cocktail

My pal Cior sent this link to me- Offbeat Bride reports on a wedding where they had a ceremonial shaking of the wedding cocktail. I can imagine the speech to go with it: "May the union of these two people symbolized by the wedding ring be like the marriage of rye whiskey to sweet vermouth brought together in perfect harmony with the addition of Angostura bitters."

Bud and Clam

Wow. Get ready for pre-mixed Budweiser and Clamato Cheladas. (Read the press release here.) It sounds absolutely crazy, but the Chelada stands for Michelada, which is a popular drink in Mexico. There are two schools of Micheladas. One is with beer, lime juice, and Tabasco/Worcestershire sauce with a salted rim. That's the one I've most often read about and had in several bars in California and even in Mexico. The other type is this one, a beer Bloody Mary. I've only read about it but obviously it's popular enough that they produced a pre-mixed product and already test-marketed it before launch. And apparently, it's already available in my closest Mexican grocery. I'd try it except I don't eat meat. Maybe I'll experiment with V8 juice instead.

Go Watch Wondrich

David Wondrich's appearance on Conan O'Brien is here. Go to the episode for Friday, Jan 11, and it's the fourth segment. It's pretty darn funny. Some quotes from Conan:

"That is going down into my lungs right now, and eating them." "Why are you putting an egg in that drink?" "I don't like this drink but it looks cool."

Free crazy juice

Neyah of NOPA found this on Craigslist in the 'collectibles' section:

FREE St. George Absinthe Verte

---

Reply to: sale-518688964@craigslist.org Date: 2007-12-24, 1:40PM PST I waited in front of the door to St. George Distillery at the defunct Alameda Naval Station for 4 (count 'em F-O-U-R) days in the freezing wind and cold, waiting for the HISTORIC moment to arrive: the first U.S. distilled absinthe since 1912 available for legal purchase. Alas, the much awaited 11:00AM hour tolled on the 21st of December of the year 2007. The distillery doors flung open, smashing my frozen nose, but I was not deterred! My frost bitten fingers were shaking as I handed over my plastic currency and stuttered "T t t twelve b b b bottles p p p please". At $75.00 USD a pop I could hardly afford this expenditure on my part-time clown income, but I was determined to chase the green fairy until I found doG, or, at least got laid. I hobbled through the warm tasting room past professional drinkers parading themselves as Grey Uniformed Green Fairy Guardians. Bursting through the back door I elbowed my way through throngs of green eyed monkeys hungrily eyeing my clinking cache of TRUTH ELIXER. Out on the desolate, weed choked former jet fighter runway I slammed the trunk of my convertible Falcon Futura closed on 11 bottles. Looking across the bay at the almost sinister skyline of Little Gotham West I slither into the back seat, frozen limbs tingling, heart audibly pounding my rib cage. I pop the cork and release the green fairy. Eschewing proper absinthe preparation I tip my head back and gulp straight from the bottle. Pungent aromas of anise and fennel assault my nostrils as the holy green liquid tumbles down my throat. I feel like I am simultaneously ascending and descending as distilled wormwood wriggles into my brain. I returned to this body 48 hours later and there are no words to explain that I now understand everything. You cannot revisit the revelation, thus I have no need to imbibe the remaining liquid doorway. I am dispensing the opened bottle to strangers, and have randomly scattered the remaining 11 bottles near fairy symbols throughout the Bay Area.

It's a treasure hunt! But seeking fairies in San Francisco is going to be like looking for hay in a haystack.

Journey

In my Bay Guardian story that came out today I made reference to Gestalt Haus, the beer bar where they "put in a double-decker bike rack that lures fixie-riding Mission hipsters like a free Journey concert." Now that it's cool to sing along to Journey again the kids just can't stop believing. In a bit a great timing, I just got this press release tonight:

Healdsburg, CALIF. December 18, 2007 — Legendary rock band, Journey, and De La Montanya Winery have come together for the second year in a row to produce a limited edition wine. The De La Montanya family and the band Journey have elected to donate all proceeds to the Greater Bay Area Make-a-Wish foundation.

They're promoting wine for charity to their fellow Boomers but if Journey wanted to make more cash for kids they'd could just sell a couple songs to Schlitz.

Jetfuel

Man Nearly Dies Downing Vodka at Airport (12-12) 12:27 PST BERLIN, Germany (AP) --

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing two pints of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new rules about carrying liquids aboard a plane, police said Wednesday.

The incident occurred Tuesday at the Nuremberg airport, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a vacation in Egypt.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked.

Instead, he chugged the vodka — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment. The man, whose name was not released, is expected to be able to go home in a few days.

I think the natural question here is: What brand of vodka?

Really!

I was going through my receipts from my Aspen trip (write-offs, don't ya know) when I discovered that I had been charged for ice in a bar. (A bar that had de-iced its sidewalks that day, no less.) I guess it's a good thing I didn't need a straw or garnish!

News of the Eww

Hospital patients 'drinking' alcohol-based hand gels

THE introduction of alcohol-based hand gels to tackle hospital superbugs has had an unwanted side-effect - patients consuming them.

Researchers writing in the British Medical Journal have revealed that inquiries about the consumption of alcohol gels to a London poisons unit increased sharply after they were widely introduced in hospitals across the UK in 2005. They found that people were either consuming them by mistake or because they were in a confused state.

But often they were being used by alcoholics to ease their cravings.

Master Blaster

Since two people sent me a link to the New York Times story about how technically you can't use your hands to insert lime into a Corona due to health codes, I thought I'd do the New York Times a favor and let them know that there already exists a device for this exact purpose and their whole story was moot. Here's the times story, and here's the solution to the problem. Yours in journalism, -Camper

Shaken, not stirred

We just had a very long duration earthquake here in San Francisco, and I instinctively ran to the liquor cabinet to protect anything from falling out. Sad, but true.

A categorized list of "martinis"

A fun list on Kottke.org of (mostly bad) martinis, including

Franklin-tini (for Ben Franklin's 300th birthday) Mex-tini (orange vodka + tequila) Sex-tini (Asian sex tonic + x-rated vodka) Flu-tini (vodka + cold medicine) Red Lobster Butter-Tini (butterscotch schnapps + half and half + Bailey's) Bikini-tini (low calorie) K-tini (sauerkraut) Red Hot Santa-tini (chili peppers + whipped cream) Insomnia-tini (energy drink) Peep-tini (Peeps candy)

For a change, reading about drinks doesn't make me thirsty at all.

National Vodka Day is October 4

By me, in today's SF Chronicle:

7 reasons to celebrate National Vodka Day

Because vodka is by definition tasteless and minute differences in flavor don't make up for massive differences in shelf prices charged for it, spirits snobs tend to dismiss the whole category. But let's take a minute to reflect on the good things about vodka as we celebrate National Vodka Day on Thursday, Oct. 4:

-- It mixes with anything, so it's easy to use. Even amateur mixologists can make farmers' market cocktails with vodka, soda and the muddled fruit of the day.

-- No Jagermeister breath.

-- Cosmopolitans, Moscow mules, lemon drops, white Russians, madras, bay breezes, Bloody Marys: Yum.

-- The marketing of vodka provides no end to amusement. Carbonated, caffeinated, sold in a bong? Yep, we've seen those.

-- You don't have to think too hard about pairing it to bring out the subtle aromas of coriander and fennel. Just add juice. It works.

-- Some of the flavored vodkas are actually pretty terrific.

-- Not only does vodka not stain when you spill it on the rug, it can be used as a stain remover. Take that, wine!