Drinking my way through SkyMall

Who doesn't love the awesomeness that is SkyMall? It's a catalogue filled with absolutely nothing you need and everything you want that you don't know you want until you see it and know that you can't possibly go on living without it. It's so good they should call it AirCrack. Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on planes lately and decided to make a thorough investigation of all the drinking accessories in the catalogue. I didn't do it for me, I did it for you, my fans. What do you call a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine for adults? A Little Snowie. Just add bourbon and you can call the thing a Julep maker. That's great, but entirely useless unless you buy a portable ice cube maker to sit next to it. You know what would be great to put on that sno-cone? Some sort of lemon vodka concoction. And the most efficient way to mix that up is using this fabulous "Old Fashioned Lemonade Stand" (aka lemondrop dispenser) that keeps your booze and juice mixed, and comes with a built-in citrus reamer on top! For simpler tastes, forget the Little Snowie and buy yourself a Lil' Chill Shot machine to cool your shooters down to -2 degrees Fahrenheit. Oddly, the website has dropped the "Lil'" part of the name, but perhaps they didn't want it to be known as Baby's First JagerBomb. Not classy enough? Understandable. Perhaps then you'd prefer this poolside faux-wood tiki table to set your drinks on. Indoors, my choice is the Sixtheenth-Century Italian Replica Globe Bar that opens to reveal glasses and booze inside what looks to be an antique globe- it's a great way to fool the maid who's always getting in to your liquor. These accessories are all great, but they don't meet the entirely of my high-tech boozing needs. Here are some suggestions for new SkyMall products: - Homemade tonic water machine: Just insert of chunk of rare Peruvian cinchona tree bark in one end, and in ten minutes out comes fresh bubbly tonic water. Bark sold separately. - Rim-Tastic 9000: Say goodbye to clumpy rims and hello to the Rim-Tastic 9000! Place your margarita glass in the appliance and select your choice of flavored sugar or salt rims from the control panel, then watch Rim-Tastic go to work creating an even, perfect garnish every time! - Ultra-Sonic Cocktail Shaker: When stirring takes too long and shaking bruises your gin, it's time to call in this new high-tech tippling technology. Using sound waves to integrate rather than agitate your ingredients, your cocktail won't just mix, it will form a molecular flavor bond that holds up to even the most watery of ice cubes. (Also works to clean dentures.)

Where gadget nerds and drink nerds meet

CocktailDB, the most accurate and nerdly online drink database, has launched an iPhone application called simply "Cocktails" with 1600 cocktail recipes. The cocktails are searchable, favorite-able, and include bibliographic information on what book they came from in what year. You can also forward a recipe to a friend or Twitter what you're currently drinking. The only thing it doesn't have is the ability to add new ones to your personal database. Cocktail 2.0? I finally upgraded my old iPhone to have the App Store, so this was my first purchase. The best part about it is that it only costs ten bucks.

Gin and Titonic

Titanic ice cubes, anyone? I love the fun party supplies made by Fred.

Age your own darn whiskey

This is silly but I love it. Monterey Rye Spirits will sell you ten bottles of new-make rye whiskey and a mini 2-gallon barrel in which to age it. They say that after just three months, you'll have aged whiskey. I can't imagine that it would be very good, but it'll be the hit of your self-made Sazerac party. It's kind of like growing your own tomatoes- you can buy the baby plants and pots and soil and plant food, or just go to the store and grab a tomato for 1/5th the price. And if you're even lazier than that Monterey Rye will sell you a single bottle of rye with a stick of barrel wood taped to the side. Just dip it and wait!

Single-malt soap

I received a bar of soap in the mail, which I might take as an insult if it weren't flavored with Laphroaig whisky. Then again, I often wake up smelling of whisky and want to wash it off, not on. Anyway, check out Spirited Soaps, made on Islay in nine distillery flavors.

Form of: An ice luge! Shape of: umm...

The website copy reads:

Lugez is proud to present our first product that is guaranteed to make your mouth drop. This penis is not just for looks…..it has function. Pour a shot at the top and drink at the tip. After that you got yourself an ice luge party penis that gets you drunk.

Lugez is a fantastic addition to all wild bachelorette parties and adult party games that are willing to go the extra step to add something special to their party. And now bachelorettes don’t have to feel guilty about getting friendly with a foreign penis one last time before the big day. Big enough for fun and small enough to fit in a normal freezer.

See this fine product here. (mildly NSFW)

Shapely bottles

If short and fat is the new tall and skinny, my bottle collection will soon match my body type. Pictured: Rhum Clement VSOP, G'Vine gin, St. George Absinthe Vert.

Grandpa's drink

Via Liquor Snob, Frozen Smiles ice cube trays. Available on Amazon.

Conceptual recipes

Check out these measuring jugs by Harry White. They'd make for some fun cocktail recipes. "Add two Tyrannosaurus Rex brains worth of vodka, a million grains of sugar and 197 milliliters of lime juice to the shaker..."

It was just a matter of time...

Diet liquor will soon be hitting store shelves.

Smirnoff Ice Light - Smirnoff Ice Light is the latest addition to the Smirnoff Ice line of flavored malt beverages, bringing together the top selling PAB brand with the fast-growing luxury light segment. One bottle contains only 110 calories and offers consumers a crisp tasting alternative to light beer. Available in six-packs and variety packs at the suggested retail price of $7.49; twelve-packs will also be available.

Finally!

I can't tell you how many hours I've sat around pining for a caffeinated schnapps, but luckily the wait is over. Available in Cherry Bomb, Mango Chili, and Pomegranate Spice flavor. D00ds, let's get frickin' schnapped!

Fly to Brazil

Stirrings came out with a Caipirinha mixer. When I made a joke about what a great scam Caipirinha mixers would be a month ago, I had no idea so many brands were rushing to fill this niche. But I guess it shows that a lot of people are banking on the Caipirinha to be the next Mojito and building drink accessories around it. Yesterday I was flipping through New York magazine to see a two-page spread for Delta that promotes nothing but their cocktail program. The in-flight cocktails are all made with Stirrings mixers, so maybe next year we'll able to get Caipirinhas in the air.

Don't have a cow

Here's the downer antidote to all the upper energy drinks on the market: Blue Cow Relaxation Drink.

What's in Blue Cow that will help me relax? Our proprietary blend of safe, relaxation-inducing ingredients includes Chamomile, Hops, Passion Flower, Hawthorne Berry, Lemon Balm and most importantly, Suntheanine®.

What is Suntheanine®?* Suntheanine® is Taiyo International's patented brand of pure L-Theanine, the primary amino acid found in green tea.

I think it's only distributed in southern California right now, but I'll try it when it gets here. As I'm a total stress-case, a non-alcoholic relaxant sounds good to me- and to my liver.

Sunday Shopping Trip

I had plans to hang out today with my friend Vanessa, but we hadn't chosen a specific activity. We were debating going for a hike or buying ingredients to cook up a big dinner, but in the end we didn't do anything nearly that healthy or constructive. Instead we went to BevMo (Beverages and More, an alcohol warehouse store) and spent nearly two hours (and $350) there. I don't really enjoy shopping for clothes or food or being in boutiques or malls, but drop me off in a liquor store and I'm like a 10-year-old in Toys-R-Us. Today it took us two hours to get through the store, even though we skipped the beer and wine sections entirely. And I felt a little rushed. It seems most people who like drinking have a fantasy of owning a bar- and I still do somewhat- though the more I learn about bar management the more it seems like a lot of staying up late and getting sticky. I realized a few months ago an easier and equally exciting fantasy is me owning the coolest liquor store in the world. I even started a running list of ideas should a silent partner suddenly appear out of thin air. In the meantime I'll have to settle for buying up half the liquor store when I go shopping, and daydreaming about owning it when I get back home.

For the Father With (Almost) Everything

Small piece I have in today's Chronicle:

For the dad who has almost everything

It's a touch pricey for a Hallmark holiday gift, but consider this: Father's Day is on Sunday and National Martini Day is on Tuesday. That's two birds you can kill with one stone, and by stone we mean a $440 silver-plated cocktail shaker set packaged in baby blue Tiffany's-esque boxes. The Ercuis brand two-piece shakers and Hawthorne strainers were imported from Vienna by former Enrico's bartender David Nepove, a.k.a. Mr. Mojito, who now sells them online at MisterMojito.com. Unfortunately the shakers do not come with the magic power to transform every drink made in them to the finest cocktail in the world, so we recommend you also send Dad's butler a gift certificate for bartending school.

-- Camper English

Drinking with Tony

In today's Chronicle:

Mix it up with a video bartender

In the age of YouTube and other online video sites, you can find a lot of free drink mixing advice in live action form. Unfortunately, much of it is bad advice. (Google "How not to make a mint julep" for a spectacular example.) On the other hand, if you're willing to shell out twenty bucks for the new DVD "Modern Mixology," you may actually learn something useful. Tony Abou-Ganim, who spent time at Jack Slick's Balboa Cafe and helped open Harry Denton's Starlight Room before going on to host "Raising the Bar: America's Best Bar Chefs" on the Fine Living Network, leads this slick video production with a smooth jazz soundtrack. While most how-to-bartend demonstrations cite the recipe and pour the drink at a hyperspeed bartender pace, an eager Abou-Ganim takes his time and focuses on mixing styles, garnish techniques, and product education while reviewing 20-plus classic cocktails.

$19.95 at www.modernmixologydvd.com

-- C.E.

Walking on Water

Thrillist found these lovely flask flip-flops. I think of them as efficient, more than sneaky. You can wear them to the beach to prevent your feet from burning on the hot sand, then cool off with a drink served out of them. They're multi-purpose, and that's good.

Woot! Tacky device for gadget drunks

Woot.com's special of the day (Tuesday) is a pair of gadgets (Brew Master and Wine Master) for ten bucks that give you information and reviews of wine and beer. So ghetto. I so bought a set.

Fun Mugs

The Munktiki website is where Forbidden Island gets its Fugu for Two mugs, but they have a whole range of awesomeness. It's like Kid Robot but for booze vessels.

The next pomegranate?

Recent Scientific Testing Shows Noni Juice May Help Fight Cancer and Lower Cholesterol

Recent medical studies have shown that noni juice may possess anti-cancer properties, as well as the ability to lower cholesterol and triglycerides in smokers. Natures Products Ltd. recently re-launched their pure, organic noni juice, and other noni products, in the US market after success in European markets. The noni juice is available through www.noninz.com.

This is pretty much what happened with pomegranate. A company that owned lots of plants paid for research to prove that they were beneficial, then started selling it as a health tonic, then everyone in Hollywood started drinking it, then it made its way into alcoholic cocktails, then it was the latest hip thing to infuse into vodka, tequila, schnapps, and liqueur. Though it's a total hype-based marketing trick, it worked amazingly well and resulted in a new flavor for bartenders to work with. So what the heck does noni taste like?

Here's a new one...

AXE Shower Gel has released a hangover soap. Hangover Soap! AXE Recovery Gel with "invigorating electrolytes." I guess this is the guy answer to shampoos with ginseng.