Read-Tard

I recently finished reading the book Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe. It's nowhere as good as Robinson Crusoe, but I still love and his long-ass sentences. Here's my favorite:

There is nothing so absurd, so surfeiting, so ridiculous, as a man heated by wine in his head, and wicked gust in his inclination together; he is in the possession of two devils at once, and can no more govern himself by his reason than a mill can grind without water; his vice tramples upon all that was in him that had any good in it, if any such thing there was; nay, his very sense is blinded by its own rage, and he acts absurdities even in his views; such a drinking more, when he is drunk already; picking up a common woman, without regard to what she is or who she is, whether sound or rotten, clean or unclean, whether ugly or handsome, whether old or young, and so blinded as not really to distinguish.

Translation: Dudes get beer goggles.

Camper's Guide to Book Publishing in 2006

I've seen you in the coffeehouse, rat-a-tat-tapping on your shiny laptop, brow furrowed, looking oh so serious. You, my friend, are working on an unpublished masterpiece. That's terrific! I can almost see it in hardcover, beckoning from the bookstore shelves.

You know that you're going about it all wrong, don't you?

The main difference between book writers and published authors is that writers write and authors sell. Writing well is nice and good, but it's the least important part of book publishing these days.

Read the rest here

Run Retard Run!

Today I went for a little run. I'd done my regular Twin Peaks run on Friday and knew it would be all muddy after the morning's rain, so when I got to the top of 17th Street I kept on going over to the other side. Then I figured since I was heading toward the Haight, I'd go to the park. Then I figured I'd stop at the DeYoung museum and turn around.

But when I got there, my terrible mental problem became a problem. I find it hard to turn around when there is a better route or landmark up ahead, even if I'm injured. It's kind of like that innately stupid guy thing of not being able to pull over and ask directions- that would be quitting! So anyway, I ran to the ocean and back and that was nearly twice the distance I've run in a couple of years, so now I'm back home and can only stand up when I have something to lean on.

I'm not sure now whether I have a mental or physical disability. Probably both, but what do I know- I'm retarded!

I'm crawling with germs!!!

I see in the Sunday paper that they now sell antibacterial deodorant. WTF? The amount of antibacterial products on the market is ridiculous, and as we know contributes to the development of stronger bacteria that are harder to kill with anything. What I don't understand is why these products are allowed on the market outside of hospitals. It seems to me they're not solving a public health problem but creating one.

This Sunday morning outrage brought to you by the good people of Mitchum antiperspirant.

governator

When I was a kid naturally I loved the Terminator movies, but then later realized that Arnold is a douchebag. Then he became governor of California. (I still say WTF to that) But tonight I am watching Rise of the Machines and damn it is kick-ass awesome. I still think Arnold is a douche, but let's not insult his body of work anymore. It deserves our utmost Fuck Yeah!

Muddy

Today's volunteer project at the SF Botanical Gardens was not so cool. We cancel in case of rain, and it was misting threateningly, but I decided to go ahead with the project. Right at 9AM when we started, it began raining for real. But we took a vote and decided to persevere, and got soaked and muddy and it really wasn't all that fun. The rain calmed down for a while but near the end it started pouring. We shoved some plants in the ground and got the hell out of there.

When I got on the MUNI going home, soaked and muddy, it looked less like I'd worked in the park and more like I'd slept in it.

Crapety Crap Crap!!

I usually check the concert listings at Slim's and the Great American Music Hall religiously, but I've been lax in it lately. So of course, two bands I love are coming on the same bill and it's sold out: The Sounds with Morningwood on May 1. There are still dinner tickets for $35, but I don't want dinner. I want to rock.

Fans, do you have an extra ticket?

Stoners

I was just at an afternoon party, where a full range of stoners were present- rastafarians, college party girls, service industry workers, outdoorsy types. The guys were passing around the pipe.

"Fuck it dude, I got nothing to do. Let's smoke until we can't walk."
"Dude, I can always walk no matter how much I smoke."
"Then I'll push you in front of a car while you're walking. Fuuuck you!"
(two minutes of hysterical laughing)

Stoners rock.

Quaking

Though I normally find the SF Chronicle's constant nostalgia trip annoying, I'm psyched for their ten-part series on the 1906 earthquake, which began today. This probably has something to do with my disaster fetish.

There are so many earthquake-related events happening over the next two weeks that I haven't sat down to look into which ones I might attend. The annual 5AM anniversary commemoration downtown is supposed to be fun (free Bloody Marys!), but it is rather early.

I'll probably go to the NERT city-wide disaster drill thing that I think happens on April 22. That's kind of like disaster recreation meets role-playing games. That's my kind of nerdy.

Last night's thoughts

As I lay there last night not sleeping, I began thinking about gay marriage for no reason I can discern. I was thinking about how people opposed to gay marriage say that it devalues or threatens their marriages. The gays disagree with this analysis, as they believe love is love. But I can see the intolerants' point of view.

Let's say traditional marriage is a Rated-G movie. You know what you're going to get and how far the definition of a G movie extends. Then say the Motion Picture Association decides that the definition of G-Rated movies will be expanded to include both Bambi and also Revenge of the Aliens' Deadly Spawn. Suddenly, a G rating doesn't mean the same thing. It now includes nearly the opposite of its original distinction. A G rating is now meaningless to those who oppose Aliens Deadly Spawning.

You can see how people think like this. However, they forget that most marriages end in divorce- the true opposite of the definition of marriage's "'til death do us part" oath. That's like saying G-rated movies can have no foul language or nudity or violence, except they can show anal rape when both characters are smiling. In traditional marriage, the exception- divorce- is now more prevalent than the rule.

But whatever. People who actually believe that gay marriage devalues straight marriage aren't usually capable of abstraction and metaphors, and vote accordingly. Let them eat cake and get fat.

Legalizing gay marriage is the shortcut solution. The real solution is to decouple the definitions of legal marriage and church-sanctioned marriage. This should happen with two pieces of legislation. The first recognizes only legal marriage as defined by a marriage certificate, and clarifies that all rights and laws referring to marriage refer only to legal marriage. Though this may technically be the case already (polygamous Mormon marriages are illegal), it in no way denigrates church marriage. It just clarifies the distinction between church and state marriage.

Then the stage is set for state-sanctioned gay marriage. It becomes legal issue, not a religious one. The two types of marriage are different; separate but unequal. Church marriage can be considered "better" than state marriage in the eyes of those who want it, but there would no longer be legal ramifications of that.

Let the churches continue to condemn gay marriage and let church-married people continue feeling superior in the eyes of whatever god they pray to. (That's what religion is all about anyway.) Let the Catholic Church call legal gay marriage immoral and anti-biblical or whatever, and let it continue its decline into irrelevance.

But the argument that gay marriage denigrates straight marriage-their prime talking point- would be diminished. The Klu Klux Klan is a despicable organization that has a right to exist because recognizing it is the legally correct (and morally incorrect) thing to do. Gay marriage, whatever one's viewpoint of it, should be in the same boat. Our ability to recognize, if not respect, the right for dissenting behaviors and opinions, so long as they do not harm anyone, is what makes our country strong and flexible in a changing world. Gay marriage: do it for America!

I can't get no sleep

I have a very difficult time sleeping when I'm not drunk. This is not (just) because I'm addicted to alcohol; booze is my sleeping pill.

The problem is my brain. It wants to keep on thinking and getting excited about topics and issues long after my body has finished for the day. Usually what works when I want to give my liver a break is to watch some mind-numbingly stupid movie or (when it worked) television show. Many people read to get to sleep, but reading keeps me ultra-awake. If I'm into a good book and have 200 pages to go at bedtime, I'll just keep reading until I finish it, since I won't be able to sleep after getting excited about it anyway.

So, through booze or visual tricks, I have to dumb myself down to get to sleep. Does anyone else suffer from this? I mean, I've had regular old insomnia when you're just laying there not thinking, or thinking about sleeping but not being able to do it, but that's not the usual case with me.

In the past week I haven't felt like drinking all that much. I've been watching more and more movies to try to get to sleep, but it's been less effective. I'll finish some film at midnite (I have to watch things until the end, or else I'll keep thinking about them) then turn off the lights to go to sleep. I'll be starting to drift off, letting my mind wander onto some random topic, then Bam! I start analyzing said topic and within 5 minutes, I get up again because it's hard to just lay there and think.

I need to find a new trick to making myself braindead. Any suggestions?

Someone already thought of what I thought of

I was thinking how stupid it is that women won't go out into the sun without SPF 45 on, then go home and apply self-tanning lotion for that in-the-sun look. Even more ridiculous would be self-tanner with SPF already in it. A quick Google search revealed that there are already at least 10 different brands of self-tanner with SPF on the market. Oi.

Chicks Rule (my record collection)

The last three CDs I bought were Morningwood, The Sounds, and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I guess I'm officially and indie rock fag.

Food Fashion

Awesome fashion shoot at Vice Magazine.