Dance of the White People

When I was in high school I was in a lot of plays (I used to be gay) in which we had to dance musical numbers. I was pretty good at picking up the moves quickly. In my years of club trash and raverdom, I ruled the dancefloor as a benevolent disco dictator, allowing all to witness my flowing style and perfect rhythm.

However, as the years passed and I became more of a barfly than a dancing fool, I found I completely lost all power to keep the beat. Now my dance style is more like that a 45-year-old office worker in a novelty tie at a holiday Christmas party. It's sad, it's pathetic, and it's very, very white.

But in my continuing reviews of home fitness videos, I picked up Darrin's Dance Grooves, wherein Darrin teaches us the choreography to videos he worked on. These were Britney Spears' "Crazy", N Synch's "Bye Bye Bye" and "Digital Get Down," and Jordan Knight (formerly of New Kids on the Block)'s "Give it to you." It is meant to be a dance video instead of a fitness video, but I figure it still counts.

The videography was all MTV-style, with the screen often split into several frames showing different things while you were supposed to pay attention to only one of them. Before, between, and after each choreography segment, Darrin came on to talk to you about working hard and training and all sorts of feel-good nonsense. Also, hocking his seminars and clothing lines.

Most of the DVD I just fast-forwarded through because I couldn't even keep up with the first routine. Britney's all step-ball-changing and Camper was all step-trip-falling. It was very sad, and completely justifies me doing home fitness videos with the blinds closed.