I resolved

to get out of bed by 2PM today. I met that resolution head on and achieved it. Congratulations to me, and time for a victory nap.

Summer of Suck

Fans, as you know I'm not a big lover of the Baby Boomers, the self-congratulatory generation. The SF Chronicle is doing a big series on the Summer of Love, which is confusing because it seems that every year someone is having an anniversary party for it. I've also mentioned before that I hate when the Chronicle publishes these insipid, pandering, nostalgic features to appease its present (aging) subscriber base, rather than doing much to encourage new subscribers to it. I'd say this series will do more to distance people of my generation from the Chron than endear people to it, and from the looks of the postings on the Culture Blog I'm right. It's amazing how many blog posters encourage this generation to "fucking die already." I thought it was just me!


Indicative of the Boomers is that they have absolutely no idea why anyone would dislike them, when they were so helpful to the world. In another ten years they'll probably outlaw euthanasia just to make sure they live for as long as medically possible, while bankrupting Medicare as they do it. Waiting for this generation to die off is like waiting for the end of the Bush administration- you know it's definitely going to happen and life is going to be *so* much better afterwards, but it feels like it's taking forever.

Hot or Not

The weather forecast cannot really be saying 93 degrees in San Francisco today. My apartment get unbearably hot when it hits 75. I've loaded up all the ice cube trays in the freezer so I can do that ice cubes in front of the fan ghetto-style air conditioning. And won't someone please think of the rent-a-cat?

What's wrong with California?

I think this Chronicle Two Cents (public opinion about an issue) Article pretty much articulates what I hate about Californians in general, and San Franciscans in particular.

It's an opinion piece- "Have you ever used the carpool lane illegally?" It appears that nearly everyone has, but everyone has the same excuse- "I HAD to- I was late for something important."
In California, personal development- whether that's intellectual, spiritual, career, or physical- trumps all sense of civility. I would have done something for the greater good/ for you/ kept a promise/commitment/ abided by the law, but something that I felt like doing more came up so you really can't blame me.

People are so used to this attitude that they don't even see it as wrong. Which is just another reason California is the most selfish place on earth.

Hasselbob

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. I have a very demanding cat. Recent observations:

- Nobody told me Hasselhoff was in the Spongebob Squarepants movie! Baywatch and Spongebob are two of my very favorite things. On the other hand, it was such a pleasant surprise!

- Don Imus. Umm, who? Without ever having heard of the dude, I am always happy to see another self-righteous Boomer get shitcanned.

- Sunshine must be good for you. Whenever I leave the house, which is rarely, I feel like a winner.

- I turned 36 a few days ago. That's old enough that I'm embarrassed by it. Time to start lying about my age.

- I am reading The Sea, by John Banville. It won a Booker. It rocks.

- Rent-a-cat is suspicious when I take a bath. He pokes his head in and out of the bathroom spying on me. It's like we're in a spy movie and he's all, "I've got a real bad feeling about this!"

- I bought some more fish for my fish tank. Let the death watch begin!

1906

I never knew my little cottage apartment was so historical.

Today I was speaking with the property owner, this kicky woman who's 80-something years old, drives a big-ass gold Cadillac, and micro-manages everything. We were discussing the possible carbon monoxide poisoning in my apartment (she says that it's all good and legal, but she'll put in a carbon monoxide monitor anyway) and she gave me a little more history of the place.

I live in an in-law cottage. That's a mini-house built in the back yard of an existing property. The house in front is a three-unit building that survived the 1906 great earthquake and fire in San Francisco. This is odd because almost nothing else did.

Anyway, because of the severe housing shortage after the quake they relaxed building codes and allowed all these in-law cottages to be constructed. So my little house was built in1906. I guess I celebrated it's hundredth birthday last year by shampooing the carpet.

According to the owner, when these cottages fall apart they aren't supposed to be rebuilt, as they were temporary structures. But the owner of this one got lucky:

In the 1989, just before that earthquake, there were same gays living in the apartment and one of them in a fit of gay drama lit the bed on fire and burned part of the house down. The owner was worried that they would make them tear down the whole unit because of the law, but as the damage was mostly cosmetic and the building inspector had a lot of more important work to do in the wake of the 1989 quake, he stamped his approval for repair.

So the owner gutted the building, redid the kitchen, and super-insulated the walls and ceilings for the first time. This explains why I hardly ever have to use the heat, and why it's a freaking sauna in the summer.

Neato!

Fleeing into the avenues

Today I was feeling hungover and braindead for the fifth day in a row, despite not having had anything (much) to drink the past couple of days.

Then I thought about an issue I've been too lazy to follow up on for a couple of months: the carbon monoxide seeping into my apartment. A while back a plumber told me that the water heater located right about underneath my bed in the basement (that is covered only by wooden floor with giant spaces between the slats and a matted shag carpet over that) has had the ventilation pipe removed and thus is venting carbon monoxide into my apartment.

The plumber promised to follow up and I believe that he did. I mentioned it a while later to the gardener, who said he thought there might be a new water heater on order, as mine was too tall for the short-ceilinged basement and needed to be replaced by one that's legal. It was sure to come any day now.

It occurred to me today through my perhaps-not-hungover-afterall haze that I never heard them install one, which seems odd because I never leave the house. And it also occurred to me that as it has been especially cold and I've had the heat and furnace on and been staying inside with all the windows closed tightly for a while, that perhaps the carbon monoxide was building up.

So I decided to check in the basement. No new water heater. So then I went to the internet to see if beyond cloudiness and confusion there were any other symptoms I should look for. They are:

• 1. Headache (yes)
  
• 2. Dizziness (nope)
  
• 3. Irritability (no, and fuck you for asking)
  
• 4. Confusion/Memory loss (yes)
  
• 5. Disorientation (yes)
  
• 6. Nausea and vomiting (yes and no)
  
• 7. Abnormal reflexes (yes, but that could be caused by prescription drug abuse)
  
• 8. Difficulty in coordinating (color-coordinating? most definitely. but otherwise no.)
• 9. Difficulty in breathing (a little)
  
• 10. Chest Pain (a little)
  
• 11. Cerebral Edema (ce-wha-wha?)
  
• 12. Convulsions/Seizures (not)
  
• 13. Coma (yet)
  
• 14. Death (duh)
  

So I just had most of the signs of carbon monoxide poisoning, including three others from another list of warning signs.

I thought this would be a good time to take a walk in the fresh air. I opened all the windows and headed off to the avenues for a few hours. Now that I'm back and the windows are closed again I'm not sure if the symptoms are returning or if I'm just sleepy. Very, very, sleeeee

The Poof is on Fire!

Today I popped in the Firefighter's Workout for my continuing DVD home workout fun. This one is lead by firefighter (and certified fitness instructor) Michael Stefano. His team is three other people: one hunky firefighter and two girls who aren't.

The video has beginners (or, Proby's) and advanced (or Salty Dogs) workouts on it, as well as cool-downs and warm-ups. Though they don't say it on the Netflix description of the workout, you need dumbells to do the beginner workout and a step/bench for the advanced portion.

The workout takes place in the fire station locker/changing room. Instructor Stefano in his New York accent dedicates the video to the 9-11 dead folks, then tells you that this workout will help current firefighters stay in shape, help amateurs get in shape, and especially prepare people for the firefighters' entrance exam.

Apparently being a firefighter involves a lot of upper body work such as carrying hoses and smashing down doors, so the workout focused mostly on that. Every now and then they'd show stock photography of firefighting in action.

I only did the beginner's workout as I don't have a step bench thingy. The exercises were nothing new, and there weren't that many of them either. They involved squats, stretches, several shoulder exercises, push-ups, and bicycles. It was less aerobic and more of a strength building routine.

As the routine was only 20 minutes, I rewound it and did it again with heavier weights. Without the advanced portion (also only 20 minutes) it wasn't very much work and wasn't very engaging. And, importantly, it wasn't a room filled with hot, sweaty shirtless firemen like I had imagined. That would have been a big improvement.

Dance of the White People

When I was in high school I was in a lot of plays (I used to be gay) in which we had to dance musical numbers. I was pretty good at picking up the moves quickly. In my years of club trash and raverdom, I ruled the dancefloor as a benevolent disco dictator, allowing all to witness my flowing style and perfect rhythm.

However, as the years passed and I became more of a barfly than a dancing fool, I found I completely lost all power to keep the beat. Now my dance style is more like that a 45-year-old office worker in a novelty tie at a holiday Christmas party. It's sad, it's pathetic, and it's very, very white.

But in my continuing reviews of home fitness videos, I picked up Darrin's Dance Grooves, wherein Darrin teaches us the choreography to videos he worked on. These were Britney Spears' "Crazy", N Synch's "Bye Bye Bye" and "Digital Get Down," and Jordan Knight (formerly of New Kids on the Block)'s "Give it to you." It is meant to be a dance video instead of a fitness video, but I figure it still counts.

The videography was all MTV-style, with the screen often split into several frames showing different things while you were supposed to pay attention to only one of them. Before, between, and after each choreography segment, Darrin came on to talk to you about working hard and training and all sorts of feel-good nonsense. Also, hocking his seminars and clothing lines.

Most of the DVD I just fast-forwarded through because I couldn't even keep up with the first routine. Britney's all step-ball-changing and Camper was all step-trip-falling. It was very sad, and completely justifies me doing home fitness videos with the blinds closed.

Great Moments in California History

I, Camper English, have now tried yoga. This I believe makes me the last person in the state of California to do so. I was given warning by various government officials that I had to do so before the start of the new year or be forced to vacate the state.

For fun and as a way to avoid leaving the house, I've been renting fitness videos off Netflix. (I'm also trying to write a story about people who do so, but it appears I'm a trend of one.) I love me some Tae Bo - it's all punching and kicking- so I thought I'd give some other videos a try. Netflix has some crazy selections (did you know there are lots of obese teen fitness vids now?) that I thought would be fun to try, especially on my off days from running.

Anyway, I recently received Basic Yoga For Dummies in the mail. My opinion that all yoga is for dummies needed to be adjusted, being that I was the only person I've met who's never tried it.

This video has beginner and intermediate parts to it, both led by "yoga professional" Sara Ivanhoe. The Dummies video series (I rented Wine for Dummies previously, and am still dumb about wine) have lots of pop-up icons that show up on the screen with "boing" or "ping" type sounds. That's cute and all for some videos, but when the instructor is saying "Close your eyes and relax" while you're also hearing cheesy chimes and alarm clock noises in the background it's kind of incongruous.

Ivanhoe keeps a slight, pleasant, Prozac smile on her face for the whole time and talks verrrry slowwwly, while icons keep popping up telling you that "Yoga is not competitive." Everything is run at a very slow level during the basic portion of the video, with alternate exercises for people who want to do yoga from a chair instead of bothering to stand or lay on the floor. She slowly works through about 12 different basic poses like the Cobra and Downward Facing Dog, then cools down for what feels like an eternity.

The intermediate yoga workout was actually okay. She sewed together all the previous moves in the series called the "Sun Salute," which probably everyone else in California knows by heart. She'd do a segment at a time, adding portions to it until she'd gone through the entire series of poses. The whole intermediate workout only took 20 minutes, but at least it was 20 interesting minutes until the horrid, wretched cool-down segment.

Overall, I'd say it was more like "Yoga for people embarrassed to admit they don't know what the hell it is," and since that was me I'd give it a minor thumbs-up for content.