Finland Trip Recap, Part I

I went to Finland July 17-22 courtesy of Finlandia Vodka for their annual Midnight Sun event. Here's the recap.

I flew cross-country to JFK, then on Finn Air over to Helsinki. They kindly seated the other writers and I in business class. When the people who work for Brown-Forman, the company that owns Finlandia, found out about this, they were about to stage a riot as they were in coach, and consequently emailed their managers angrily. But once I explained that I've only flown business class once in my life previously, they calmed down a bit. Also, I plied them with Xanax from my pharmacy bag.

We arrived in Helsinki early in the morning (Helsinki time, anyway) only to find that they'd left the luggage for half the plane back in New York. Oops. I was thrilled I'd get to wear my not--for-the-public-but-comfortable-for-flying red Nautica logo t-shirt for another day, as this made me look the the fat slobby American tourist I am.

About the trip: Most of the people flown in for this trip and subsequent party up in Lapland are either employees or distributors of Brown-Forman products. The rest were a few writers, top-selling retailers, and radio and bartending contest winners. But overwhelmingly the mood was set by the B-F people who are exceptionally good at:

• Drinking
• Staying Out Late
• Repeating the Above
  

I'm saying they're not just employees, they're an invading party horde. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In the morning we visited the bottling plant for Finlandia, which is a lot closer to Helsinki than the distillery. It was interesting but many of us were so tired from flying that we didn't absorb as much information as desired. Luckily, I took notes.

We returned to our hotel (Hotel GLO) for a couple of hours then met for dinner. To get to the restaurant we had to take a ferry boat to an island only a few hundred feet from the shore. Odd. The restaurant had a traditional look about it, a shot glass tray that held about 20 glasses and was carried by one person at each end and held over the table, and the largest pepper grinder known to man. Instead of the meal the others were having I opted for the vegetarian reindeer alternative.

The first night is when I found out that The Horde are not fueled by food and proper rest, but liquor and hedonism. We entered one bar and found it womb-like and semi-creepy, yet stayed for several drinks while very gay dance music played on the stereo. We then hit Helsinki Club, which is a big dance club that was not exactly jam-packed on a Monday night, yet we stayed for a few drinks. Next was the bar next door that was closing shortly so we had to ingest our two drink quickly before heading out. We ended up at RedRum, which was full of people and really fun and I remember little of what happened or who this man is in the picture.

Finland Trip Recap, Part II

On the second day of the trip, I had to go buy clothes that were not the ones I'd been wearing for the last 48 hours. I stopped into a small euro-boutique known as H&M to purchase some clothing. It was better than anything I'd brought anyway, since all my clothes have stains and holes.

We met for lunch at Memphis restaurant, where the veggie burger was an odd combination of pepper and mushroom stew with a chunk of mozzarella cheese on top. Then demure, Philadelphia-area Carol and I set out for a walk about town. We stopped into a charming euro-bakery where I purchased some mustard. The bakery lady then gave us a map and told us how to walk to the waterfront era where some fancy houses were.

With me leading the tour, we were almost immediately lost but did not figure it out until the waterfront we encountered was populated only with smokestacks and warehouses. We made our way back eventually with the assistance of four or five helpful Finnish people. But it was determined by Carol that my Finnish reading and speaking skills were impeccable.

That night we went on a harbor dinner cruise with beautiful views, terrible food without reindeer alternatives, and a great deal of liquor. From there, The Horde descended upon RockBar where there were live bands playing.

I think I forgot to mention how The Horde operates. As everyone has an expense account, at each venue one of The Horde is chosen to throw down his or her credit card at the bar. An initial round of shots plus an additional beverage is ordered. Often each of The Horde will consume a few more drinks over the next hour or so, then a final round of shots will be ordered unless we're planning to stay longer.

After the RockBar, it was fairly early still- probably 11PM or midnight, but it's very hard to tell since it stays light out so late- we tried several venues we'd been in the previous night but they were not open yet. We finally found a bar near the hotel but I decided it would be best to escort mild-mannered Colleen back to the hotel instead. I learned the next day that much of The Horde had stayed at the bar, then had an after-hours party in one of the hotel rooms until the early morning.














I awoke early, not on purpose, and went downstairs to borrow one of the hotel's bicycles. It was there I found demure Carol doing the same thing, so we set off together with my map from the previous day. We found the section of town we'd missed the previous day (about three blocks from the hotel) and visited one of the large churches you could see from nearly everywhere, which was thus easy to find. Shortly thereafter, we got lost and discovered new and interesting parts of town, and also where they park the cruise ships and the railroad tracks. Two or three helpful Finnish people helped us find our way back to the hotel.

Finland Trip Recap, Part III

On the third evening, The Horde loaded up into buses, then into airplanes and flew to Lapland for the Midnight Sun event the trip was centered around. In Lapland, the sun shines 24 hours a day, especially on this, the longest day of the year. (Okay, actually the day before the longest day of the year but the longest day of the year is a national holiday in the country and we probably wouldn't have been able to get there.)

We checked into hotels and killed a few hours before going to the party. We had to walk a path through the woods to this lakeside farm where the party was held. The party had DJs and live bands, fortune tellers and folk crafts, about five bars, and all the reindeer meat you could eat. It was fun just going around to all of the activity areas in between cocktails. At midnight, they lit the ceremonial bonfire on the lake. (Yes, it's that bright at midnight.)

It did get pretty cold so people were swaddled in Finlandia blankets and chattering their teeth, until The Horde decided the best way to stay warm was to start drinking vodka straight from the bottle without all the chilling ice and mixers. This was a very good idea, and soon we were shitfaced. Then the dance music picked up around 2AM and we threw down on the dancefloor/muddy lawn area. The Horde and I were disappointed that the last bus left at 3:30AM, which most of us seem to get on.

Unfortunately for demure Carol, she got off at the wrong hotel, passed out on a couch, then got lost trying to get back the correct hotel. It was good to learn that the getting lost thing wasn't just my fault.

At what seemed like an early hour the next morning, we all boarded buses, planes, and another bus to get back to the hotel in Helsinki. That night we went out for a final dinner and then I returned to the hotel, only to hear the next morning that The Horde (all of whom professed a desire to have an "easy night") stayed drinking at the hotel bar until they were thrown out, then had another after-hours until 5AM or so.

I couldn't sleep so I went for a bike ride at 7 AM before packing, check-out, and a generally miserable flight back home. My liver was rebelling, my system was in shock, vodka was pouring from my pores, and I needed a good week to recover from the trip and the cold I picked up on the plane ride home. Unfortunately, I had another distillery tour to fly to in Idaho two days later...

More pictures here.

Wicked Retahded

Last night I was drinking at Thee Parkside, and wound up in a conversation with the bartender about Boston. During the conversation I had 3 vodka sodas and 2 shots of Jager on top of the two drinks I'd already consumed. At some point, I realized I was dangerously intoxicated and needed to leave immediately.

When I tried to leave, my feet didn't work and I zig-zagged across the room, holding onto a column just to make it the 15 feet out the door. Messy.

I remember that I ran home, which is something I used to do when I drank heavily in the dot-com days. It helps sober one up and process the alcohol. (Also, it gets you home quicker.) It's a wonder that I didn't get hit by a car since I could run but couldn't walk in a straight line.

Then I got slightly lost but found my way to Cable Car Pizza and had a couple of slices that I think I later threw up. My apartment this morning looks like hell- all things that used to sit on desks and counters are now strewn about on the floor.

Oddly, now that I write about booze for a living, I never get that drunk. I hope to keep it that way going forward, because too much booze last night is preventing me from writing about booze today, until this hangover goes away.

Super, thanks for asking

Yesterday was Keith and Amy's annual Superbowl party. It was a hoot as always, and now traditions have formed such as the halftime chili dog feeding, the betting on the length of the national anthem (Billy Joel's voice is busted!), and running out to get a bottle of bourbon at the end of the game and doing shots with Keith, Sara, and Nicholas.

The problem with the Superbowl is that it ends so early on the West Coast, and then you're wasted at 7PM. I barely managed to stay awake until 9.

One Tan Man

I just got back from vacation in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. I was intruding on the vacation of Chris and John from Boston, as they own a condo there.

Chris and John really know how to relax. Each day's agenda:
Wake up at 10:30ish, enjoy coffee and a recap of the previous night.
Start drinking beer at noonish, bust out the bong.
Poolside cocktails or a trip to the beach? A tough decision.
Dinner out on the town. Fondue me, baby!
Gay bar, followed by gay club, often followed by a nightcap at the gay stripper bar on the way home.
3AM time for bed!

The whole time we were just hanging out and quoting from Bubbles and Desiree and Brenda Dickson, and from a Long Island couple sitting behind us at dinner one night. Not getting to the east coast much these days, I forget how ridiculous New Yorkers can sound in bulk.

Vacationing is a good time to reflect upon one's day-to-day existence with some perspective. I decided that perhaps I'm living in a bit too much squalor, and made a sturdy resolution to get a new showerhead.

Hey, I didn't go to philosophy camp. I was just there to party.

Three-day weekend, four-day hangover

I think I killed an awful lot of brain cells this weekend. Last night was the first time I got to bed before 3AM since Thursday.


On Saturday I had a hoot at Cheap Date, Metal Patricia's party at My Place (the bar). There was bar dancing and eighties' hair metal and fire and horrible blue shots that tasted like gasoline and pineapple but only cost a buck. (More pics here)

On Sunday my friend Liz (Dr. Retard's sister) was in town so we decided to go out for a quick drink. What I didn't realize is that Liz had been drinking since 5 in the afternoon and popped a Vicodin shortly before my arrival.

Everything was normal at the Phone Booth, then I realized Liz wasn't there anymore. (The drinks are strong.) So I headed outside to look for her. I called to find she was five blocks away, and didn't know where she was going. It was at this point I figured she was pretty intoxicated.

So I walked down to meet her. When I got close Liz didn't recognize me, and actually thought I was a mugger coming to assault her so she ran away and hopped into a cab while I was standing there calling her name. It was at this point I figured she was extremely intoxicated.

I then called her cell phone again but she didn't answer. I started walking home. I called again and she did answer and it turns out she was right near me. So I met up with her again (this time she recognized me) and escorted her back to her sister's house.

At least one night out of three I wasn't the messy one.

Everything in its right place

I went to Ikea and bought a small shelving unit. I get a fair amount of booze in the mail and had it stored in two closets and three boxes and it was just everywhere. So I wanted to stick it all in one place and converted my broom closet to that purpose. I knew I had a lot of booze, but it turns out that I have a lot of booze.

Many of the bottles are mostly empty, but I need to keep them around in case I have to refresh my memory of what something tastes like for an article. But since all the booze didn't actually fit in the closet, I had to finish up four of the most empty ones. Luckily they were mostly different flavors of vodka so I made a cocktail of leftovers.

Yum, leftovers!

A literary work of arrrr

I just finished reading Pirate Hunter: The True Story of Captain Kidd. It's one of those 400-page historical biographies that are all the rage these days. Also all the rage these days is taking liberties with the emotions of the characters, telling you how they surely felt as they looked at their wife one last time or whatever. But it's forgiveable because it makes the story compelling and there are a bajillion facts to back up everything else. The book was a good read and the author Richard Zacks did a nice job cranking up the drama with his structure. Recommended.

To celebrate finishing the book I chose to pour myself a drink. Though I should be drinking madeira, the fortified wine from the Madeira Islands of Portugal that was prized by pirates, I will instead be having some good old-fashioned rum and dreaming of sweet, sweet booty.

Rock and Roll Disco

Last night I went to my friends Billy and George's party Trans Am at the Space Gallery in the Upper Polk. I wore my 90210 shirt that my old raver friends will remember. Remember?