My new job

It occurred to me today that I should apply to become a vein model. You know how they have hand models and foot models and stuff? Every time I go to a phlebotemist to get blood drawn they ooh and ahh over my big juicy veins and it makes me feel very special. And when something makes you special, you need to exchange that shit for cash money.

iTard, Therefore iAm

I was lexicologically left out when the Chronicle claimed someone else invented the word iTard.

Luckily, one of my fans pointed it out:

Another reason I am writing is that I feel you have been slighted by the Chronicle in an article from earlier this week. Slighted in the sense that the author gives credit for the term "iTard" to this Daniel Lyons guy from Forbes that has the fake Steve Jobs blog. I was able to recall a hate blog post by you from waaaayyyyy back (and long before this guy's blog existed - 2006) that used the term. I am not sure if you were the 1st to coin the term "iTard" back when you made the post in October of 2005, but I thought that if you were, then compensation is in order! ;-)

Take a look below at my research (yes, work was a bit slow today). If nothing else, a tersely worded letter to Chron's editors may be in order.

Enjoy,
Keith

So, from the SF Chronicle business section, "Steve Jobs he's not, but funny he is on the Net," by Jessica Guynn, Tuesday, August 7, 2007:

"Daniel Lyons, a 46-year-old senior editor with Forbes magazine, came clean after the New York Times unmasked the anonymous blogger behind "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs" http://fakesteve.blogspot.com/ on Sunday.

Everyone wanted to know who had dubbed Apple customers "iTards," rival Bill Gates "Beastmaster," ponytailed Sun Microsystems CEO Jonathan Schwartz "My Little Pony," influential Wall Street Journal columnist Walter Mossberg "Goatberg," and Eric Schmidt, Google's chief executive and an Apple director "Squirrel Boy."

From Camper's Hate Log, October 16, 2005:

Various Types of iTards

iHole- the place an iPod owner lives.

BiPods- people who own two iPods are somehow four times as bad as those who own only one.

ReJay- someone who thinks he's a DJ because he made an iPod playlist and plugged it in somewhere.

PodSkateer- an iTard who wears big Mickey Mouse DJ headphones.

iClod- an iTard who keeps getting snagged in the cord.

iWad- the cluster of iPod accessories an iTard owns.

Act of Pod- the stunning coincidence an iTard will blather on to you about when what's on their random playlist correlates to something that just happened in the real world. IT'S LIKE IT KNOWS WHAT WE WERE THINKING.

iRod- the Mini Cooper.

Stand and Poddle- what an iTard at the gym is doing when they spend the whole time playing with their mp3 player instead of actually working out.

izodPod- an iPod filled with only ironic 80's music.

Well I didn't sell a whole lot of copies of Party Like a Rock Star

But it turns out I did sell more than La Dolce Musto (so far, anyway), and his book is filled with celebrity gossip. I suppose I shouldn't feel good about that, but I do.

Finland Trip Recap, Part I

I went to Finland July 17-22 courtesy of Finlandia Vodka for their annual Midnight Sun event. Here's the recap.

I flew cross-country to JFK, then on Finn Air over to Helsinki. They kindly seated the other writers and I in business class. When the people who work for Brown-Forman, the company that owns Finlandia, found out about this, they were about to stage a riot as they were in coach, and consequently emailed their managers angrily. But once I explained that I've only flown business class once in my life previously, they calmed down a bit. Also, I plied them with Xanax from my pharmacy bag.

We arrived in Helsinki early in the morning (Helsinki time, anyway) only to find that they'd left the luggage for half the plane back in New York. Oops. I was thrilled I'd get to wear my not--for-the-public-but-comfortable-for-flying red Nautica logo t-shirt for another day, as this made me look the the fat slobby American tourist I am.

About the trip: Most of the people flown in for this trip and subsequent party up in Lapland are either employees or distributors of Brown-Forman products. The rest were a few writers, top-selling retailers, and radio and bartending contest winners. But overwhelmingly the mood was set by the B-F people who are exceptionally good at:

• Drinking
• Staying Out Late
• Repeating the Above
  

I'm saying they're not just employees, they're an invading party horde. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In the morning we visited the bottling plant for Finlandia, which is a lot closer to Helsinki than the distillery. It was interesting but many of us were so tired from flying that we didn't absorb as much information as desired. Luckily, I took notes.

We returned to our hotel (Hotel GLO) for a couple of hours then met for dinner. To get to the restaurant we had to take a ferry boat to an island only a few hundred feet from the shore. Odd. The restaurant had a traditional look about it, a shot glass tray that held about 20 glasses and was carried by one person at each end and held over the table, and the largest pepper grinder known to man. Instead of the meal the others were having I opted for the vegetarian reindeer alternative.

The first night is when I found out that The Horde are not fueled by food and proper rest, but liquor and hedonism. We entered one bar and found it womb-like and semi-creepy, yet stayed for several drinks while very gay dance music played on the stereo. We then hit Helsinki Club, which is a big dance club that was not exactly jam-packed on a Monday night, yet we stayed for a few drinks. Next was the bar next door that was closing shortly so we had to ingest our two drink quickly before heading out. We ended up at RedRum, which was full of people and really fun and I remember little of what happened or who this man is in the picture.

Finland Trip Recap, Part II

On the second day of the trip, I had to go buy clothes that were not the ones I'd been wearing for the last 48 hours. I stopped into a small euro-boutique known as H&M to purchase some clothing. It was better than anything I'd brought anyway, since all my clothes have stains and holes.

We met for lunch at Memphis restaurant, where the veggie burger was an odd combination of pepper and mushroom stew with a chunk of mozzarella cheese on top. Then demure, Philadelphia-area Carol and I set out for a walk about town. We stopped into a charming euro-bakery where I purchased some mustard. The bakery lady then gave us a map and told us how to walk to the waterfront era where some fancy houses were.

With me leading the tour, we were almost immediately lost but did not figure it out until the waterfront we encountered was populated only with smokestacks and warehouses. We made our way back eventually with the assistance of four or five helpful Finnish people. But it was determined by Carol that my Finnish reading and speaking skills were impeccable.

That night we went on a harbor dinner cruise with beautiful views, terrible food without reindeer alternatives, and a great deal of liquor. From there, The Horde descended upon RockBar where there were live bands playing.

I think I forgot to mention how The Horde operates. As everyone has an expense account, at each venue one of The Horde is chosen to throw down his or her credit card at the bar. An initial round of shots plus an additional beverage is ordered. Often each of The Horde will consume a few more drinks over the next hour or so, then a final round of shots will be ordered unless we're planning to stay longer.

After the RockBar, it was fairly early still- probably 11PM or midnight, but it's very hard to tell since it stays light out so late- we tried several venues we'd been in the previous night but they were not open yet. We finally found a bar near the hotel but I decided it would be best to escort mild-mannered Colleen back to the hotel instead. I learned the next day that much of The Horde had stayed at the bar, then had an after-hours party in one of the hotel rooms until the early morning.














I awoke early, not on purpose, and went downstairs to borrow one of the hotel's bicycles. It was there I found demure Carol doing the same thing, so we set off together with my map from the previous day. We found the section of town we'd missed the previous day (about three blocks from the hotel) and visited one of the large churches you could see from nearly everywhere, which was thus easy to find. Shortly thereafter, we got lost and discovered new and interesting parts of town, and also where they park the cruise ships and the railroad tracks. Two or three helpful Finnish people helped us find our way back to the hotel.

Finland Trip Recap, Part III

On the third evening, The Horde loaded up into buses, then into airplanes and flew to Lapland for the Midnight Sun event the trip was centered around. In Lapland, the sun shines 24 hours a day, especially on this, the longest day of the year. (Okay, actually the day before the longest day of the year but the longest day of the year is a national holiday in the country and we probably wouldn't have been able to get there.)

We checked into hotels and killed a few hours before going to the party. We had to walk a path through the woods to this lakeside farm where the party was held. The party had DJs and live bands, fortune tellers and folk crafts, about five bars, and all the reindeer meat you could eat. It was fun just going around to all of the activity areas in between cocktails. At midnight, they lit the ceremonial bonfire on the lake. (Yes, it's that bright at midnight.)

It did get pretty cold so people were swaddled in Finlandia blankets and chattering their teeth, until The Horde decided the best way to stay warm was to start drinking vodka straight from the bottle without all the chilling ice and mixers. This was a very good idea, and soon we were shitfaced. Then the dance music picked up around 2AM and we threw down on the dancefloor/muddy lawn area. The Horde and I were disappointed that the last bus left at 3:30AM, which most of us seem to get on.

Unfortunately for demure Carol, she got off at the wrong hotel, passed out on a couch, then got lost trying to get back the correct hotel. It was good to learn that the getting lost thing wasn't just my fault.

At what seemed like an early hour the next morning, we all boarded buses, planes, and another bus to get back to the hotel in Helsinki. That night we went out for a final dinner and then I returned to the hotel, only to hear the next morning that The Horde (all of whom professed a desire to have an "easy night") stayed drinking at the hotel bar until they were thrown out, then had another after-hours until 5AM or so.

I couldn't sleep so I went for a bike ride at 7 AM before packing, check-out, and a generally miserable flight back home. My liver was rebelling, my system was in shock, vodka was pouring from my pores, and I needed a good week to recover from the trip and the cold I picked up on the plane ride home. Unfortunately, I had another distillery tour to fly to in Idaho two days later...

More pictures here.

They call me Jet Set

I jet in and out of town
So often I'm turned around
If it's Monday I'm going to Idaho
To see a vodka made from a potato
I just jetted in from Lapland you see
Where I learned lap dances: not free

Travel Piece

Here's the gay travel piece I wrote for Frontiers Magazine on Stockholm and Copenhagen.

Oh, Canada!

So the same day I drove back from Tahoe, I had to do a little work then head back to the airport. I went on a press trip to visit the Canadian Mist distillery near Toronto. I spent one day in Toronto, one day at a ski resort near the distillery, then at 5AM I was back on the way to the airport again.


I got an Executive Class seat on the way back, which was unbelievably sweet. Not only is there lots of room between seats, the seats recline in three different directions and have a back massage function! Then they kept bringing us meals- I had an omelet for breakfast and cheese and fruits for lunch- when the rest of the plane didn't get food or had to pay for it. Champagne anyone? Well, certainly! Oh it was glorious, and I didn't even mind that we had to sit an hour on the runway before our plane took off.

Trust Me

Two more friends of mine gave me the keys to their apartments this week. That brings up the total to six sets of other peoples' house keys I have. Having all this trust in me almost makes me want to go on a crystal meth-induced crime spree. That's normal, right?

Exciting Update!

I have now put my collection of squished pennies online for all to admire. Hooray!

View them here!

The Quotable Camper English

I was just listening to a Podcast of the Commonwealth Club's lecture about Google Books, where you can search texts or parts of texts online. Naturally I decided to Google myself there.

They don't know that my book exists. Nice. But they do have other peoples' books that I've been in. I once wrote an introduction to nightlife in San Francisco for the Lonely Planet Guides (edition now out of print). I also had a poem from my calendar quoted in a book on regional American English called How we Talk.

Then I found a third book I didn't know I was in. It's called
Reeling in the Years, Gay Men's Perspectives on Aging and Ageism. They quoted briefly from a fictional article I wrote for Instinct Magazine years ago that was me pretending to wake up in the body of a circuit boy. I was funnier then.

Anyway, I don't have a point, I just noticed that. Go me.

This is how I roll

I swear, my life is so geared around freelancing that if I burp extra loud I can find a way to get paid to write about it.

Because I've been doing fitness videos at home, I decided to write on the topic of why people should do fitness videos at home.

WORKING HARD FOR LITTLE MONEY

When exercising to DVDs, try before you buy

Camper English, Special to The Chronicle

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Rather than joining a gym in the new year in an attempt to meet weight-loss resolutions -- while ignoring other resolution to spend less money -- fitness seekers might try using a workout program that's already in their budget: DVD-by-mail rental services.

Netflix, GreenCine and Blockbuster each carry dozens to hundreds of workout titles, available for rent by mail without late-return fees. (Members can work on their no-procrastinating resolutions later.) Exercise DVDs are somewhat hidden on these sites, usually filed away under the "Sports and Fitness" category, if they're categorized at all. It's easier to find them by searching for words like "workout" or "yoga" than by scrolling through the endless list of sports documentaries.

Perhaps the reason these DVDs don't merit their own category is that they're not very popular. Craig Phillips, an editor at San Francisco's GreenCine.-com, says, "We do have some people who are interested in Pilates and yoga videos, so we do have a variety. They rent pretty well. Any other kind of exercise or fitness videos don't rent very well through us. My general sense is that people would rather own (the DVDs), just as they want to own 'Toy Story' for their kids because their kids want to watch it 500 times."

Purchasing fitness titles sight unseen is a gamble, as they are difficult to judge by their covers. Some require additional equipment, such as weights or a step, and others feature hosts who talk too much and demonstrate too little. DVD-by-mail rental services allow members to try out, and then rate, DVDs before purchasing them elsewhere.

The majority of new fitness DVDs feature yoga or Pilates, but since the basic workouts have been available on DVD or video for years, recent titles branch out, with new combination routines and DVDs aimed at new audiences. Members of some services can rent "Yoga in Bed," "MTV Yoga," "Yoga for Surfers," "Yoga Booty Ballet," "Pilates for Men" and "Yogilates," just to name a few titles.

Most DVDs are targeted at women, and lately they're targeted at women in specific life phases. An exerciser can work her way from "Healthy Bride's Boot Camp Workout" to "Buff Moms-to-Be" and "Pilates in Pregnancy," through "Postnatal Yoga" and "Beyond Baby Body," to, quite a while later, "Yoga for Menopause." (Women can also impose home fitness on their men with "The Chubby Hubby Workout: Building a Better Husband.")

With so many American children overweight, a new market has opened for fitness DVDs and videos aimed at the youth and teen demographics. These workouts include "Paige's Workout Party," "Get Fit Kids" and "Aerobo Cop: Superhero of Fitness."

Ethnic and exotic dance trends often precede workouts based on them. "Viva! Brazilian Rhythm Workout," "Kukuwa Dance Workout," "Hula Workout," "Bollywood Bodies," "Masala Bhangra Workout" and "The Krump Workout" are available to rent. Videos now feature soundtracks, not only motivational electronica, but also jazz, gospel, hip-hop and disco -- the latter thanks to Richard Simmons' contribution to the genre.

Books and magazines lend credibility to DVDs like the "Basic Yoga Workout for Dummies," and fitness series from Shape, Self and Men's Health magazines. Even reality TV shows are getting in on the game, with "Extreme Makeover Fitness."

Sex sells fitness videos, too, for home athletes of all genders and persuasions. Among the racy videos are the "Firefighter's Workout," "Totally Hot Cardio," "Urban Striptease Aerobics," "Carmen Electra's Fit to Strip" and "Hot Nude Yoga," aimed at gay men.

With so many creative (and perhaps, desperate) new titles flooding the market, some fitness DVDs may be interesting to rent for comedic value alone. "Milton Berle's Workout" and "Traveling Executive Workout" may be entertaining, even if not relevant to one's lifestyle.

Whatever the workout, renting DVDs through these services provides good motivation to actually do them. Though there are no late fees, letting one video sit unwatched means not getting the next one shipped out while still paying for the monthly membership. This encourages renters to hurry up and do the workouts to get the most value out of the service -- thus meeting budgeting, exercising and procrastinating New Year's resolutions with each home workout session.

Camper English is the author of "Party Like a Rock Star: Even When You're Poor as Dirt."