Booze News

I checked the booze news for the past week while I was traveling. It was a good week.

Tennessee is set to become the first state in the nation to require carding of anyone, without exception, who buys beer for off-premises consumption. Now underage drinkers will have to resort to asking older people outside the store to buy them booze, just like they always have.

A study shows that gastric bypass surgery turns formerly hefty people into alcoholic lightweights.

The EU voted that legally-termed vodka can be made from things other than cereals and potatoes (such as grapes and maple sap) as long as its labeled accordingly on the bottle. But as far as I know, every vodka that isn't made from corn proudly labels the bottle as such anyway.

A manufacturer invents a "cocktail condom" that you use to cover your drink while you leave it so that you can be sure nobody drops date-rape drugs in it while you're not looking. So it's kind of like the don't-drink-my-drink coaster, but with glue.

Someone created a pizza-flavored beer. Great idea, combining things that are commonly consumed at the same time into one tasty treat. I always pour a half gallon of milk into my cereal box and keep it in the refrigerator for the month.

It turns out that most organic certified beer isn't totally organic- most hops aren't, but you only need 95% of organic ingredients to be USDA certified. In the wake of the bad press, one hopes more hops will go orgo.

Heineken launches a new skinny, taller can for its light beer- sort of like the Virginia Slims model of package design. But wait Heineken light? Does it taste like water, with extra-extra water flavor?

Expired Link

Here's something small I wrote for Friday's SF Chronicle, so most of it has already happened.

Tips for tipplers on surviving Pride weekend

1. He who stays out too late on Pink Saturday won't wake up in time to do her makeup on Pride Sunday.

2. The Civic Center celebration is a perfect venue for food and drink pairing if you remember this simple advice: Beer in a plastic cup always goes with food on a stick.

3. Like parades but don't feel like marching? Grab an outdoor seat at Ti Couz or another restaurant on 16th Street and enjoy a cocktail as the Dyke March goes by sometime after 7 p.m. Saturday.

4. Appletini, way out. Pomegranate, in. Try a splash of pomegranate juice or liqueur in Champagne at your pre-Pride party brunch.

5. The Trans March is on Friday. Celebrate with beer before liquor or liquor before beer. It's all good.

6. Money spent on beer at Pride booths goes back into the community. So drink responsibly but tip wildly.

7. Especially if they're hot.

-- Camper English

Craptails

CHOW.com has a pretty funny piece up on bad drinks. Like some of the commenters, I agree that there are plenty of bad drinks to write about without needing to make them up, but it's hard not to love the Salmon Colada and Hot "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter"ed Rum.

Beer causes crime!

Two stories today are making beer drinkers look bad:

Man Accused Of Breaking Into House To Steal Beer, Shirt

DENVER -- A man was charged Tuesday with breaking into a Denver home to drink beer from the refrigerator and to steal a clean shirt in the dryer, the district attorney's office said.

Poisoned beer 'just a mistake'

Husband stands by wife and her 'depression issues'

UNION TWP. - A man whose wife is charged with trying to poison his beer with cleaning fluid said Wednesday it's all just a misunderstanding and they will stay together.

Truesdell became ill after drinking a beer at his home in the 500 block of Lemaster Drive.

His wife admitted to police that she had slipped cleaning fluid into his drink, Gaviglia said.

But Jonathan Truesdell said his wife didn't mean to poison him.

"It's just something that happened," he said.

From The Onion

Journalism Saves Lives (okay not really)

Right after I blog posting how sloppy cocktail journalism throws mixologists into great fits of confusion, I get an email from Martin of Forbidden Island:

I had a health inspection last week, and the inspector tried to stop me from selling Scorpion Bowls, because he said the backwash was a health hazard! I told him that he should check out Trader Vic's, then, since they've been doing it for 70 years. He didn't believe me (!), so I showed him a copy of your "Love Potions for Two" column from the Chron to convince him that it was everywhere and that did the trick. So thanks for that.

It's good to know that all my hard work cocktail reporting has real-world impact. If I can help one person- just one person- enjoy a tasty Scorpion Bowl then it will have been worth it.

Show us the love

Right now all the food bloggers are doing this exhibitionist meme where they display the unedited contents of their refrigerators. I thought it would be fun to join in to show how the other half lives. Anyone viewing this could tell that I'm
a) single
b) male
since my refrigerator contains almost nothing but condiments and mixers. Then you look in the door and it appears I'm a drag queen.

Here's the breakdown:

Main Door:

• Two jars of raspberry preserves
• soda water
• soy milk
• iced tea (behind)
• homemade lemonade in pitcher
• pasta sauce
• sparkling apple cider
• (next level) Parmesan cheese
• gourmet mustard (one of 9 kinds currently in fridge)
• relish
• tofu dogs
• eggs
• (bottom level) homemade tonic water syrup
• chocolate sauce (nearly 10 years old)
• orange flower water
• Xuxu vodka/strawberry (behind)
  
• apple sauce
• more homemade tonic in jar
• salsa (behind)
  
• more iced tea
• salad dressing
• simple syrup

Door of refrigerator:

• nail polish (from dot-com era when it was hip for about 3 weeks for dudes match their shiny shirts with nail polish. I guess I should throw this out since it's all 9 years old and I can't envision an occasion calling for nail polish in the near future)
• condiments
• grenadine, red vermouth, dry vermouth

So basically, your tofu dog omelet can come with anything you want on it, but instead how about a drink?

Line Tapping Scandal!

Wis. Bar Owner Gets Ticket for Tap

(05-24) 14:19 PDT Port Washington, Wis. (AP) --

A bar owner's attempt to avoid wasting leftover beer got him a sharp reprimand and a $172 ticket. Ray Wendt used a Miller Lite tap to serve Coors Light. He said he told customers they were drinking Colorado beer, not that from nearby Milwaukee.

"I didn't think nothing was tragic about it," Wendt said.

But police and state inspectors disagreed, fining him and sending him a letter that called the mislabeling "a major violation."

Wendt's American Legion bar normally serves Miller Lite.

But a wedding party asked for Coors Light for their reception earlier this month. Wendt ordered it, then found the tap handle he was given didn't fit his dispenser. He substituted a Miller Lite handle.

"It's not like I was pouring different liquor into a bottle," he said. "The Coors and Miller Lite cost the same."

The next morning, he served leftover Coors Light to his regulars.

"I said it was Coors Light, not Miller," he said. "I didn't lie to nobody."

He took a few days off and returned to work May 8, when two representatives from the state Department of Revenue and a Port Washington police officer conducted the annual inspection of his bar. They found the Miller Lite handle still connected to the Coors Light barrel.

State and city laws prohibit bar owners from dispensing beer from another brand's tap. The police officer ticketed Wendt, and the state sent him a warning.

Port Washington Police Chief Richard Thomas said Wendt has a well-run bar, but "the statute is pretty clear. You can't do this."

"It was an honest mistake," protested Wendt, who plans to fight the ticket.

I have Stuff in Stuff

Run screaming to your local newsstand and pick up the June issue of Stuff Magazine. You'll know it because of the scantily clad woman on the cover. Rip out all the pages until 56, where you'll see the latest riveting piece of cocktail journalism by Camper English. Now, you won't see the name Camper English anywhere on the page because they're not about bylines (just tan lines), but that's me all right.

The "article" is Yoga Pose, Drink, or Sex Position? Play along at home, but you'll have to buy the magazine (or, you know, discuss in the comments) to find the answers.

Yoga Pose, Drink Name, or Sex Position?

1. Zombie
2. Corpse
3. Downward-Facing Dog
4. Suffering Bastard
5. Throat Swab
6. Mudslide
7. Thunderbolt
8. Reverse Cowgirl
9. Wheelbarrow
10. Sleeping Beauty
11. Warrior
12. Bulldog

What I like to do for fun, since I know all the answers (not that I do yoga- I looked it up) is try to imagine what the drink recipe would be if it had one of the sex or yoga names. (Maybe the Reverse Cowgirl would be a Coors Light followed by a shot of bourbon.)

But you probably shouldn't play the game in the other direction unless you want to imagine a sex position called the Mudslide...

Frog-tastic!

Apparently, frog juice is all the rage in Peru.

Neighborhood Tequila Guide to San Francisco

Sometimes on the Seis de Mayo our memories are not as clear as they should be. If you've misplaced your cell phone or wallet (or pants) somewhere in the night, you can try to retrace your steps to find them, but this isn't easy if you can't remember where those steps were. If you can't recall where you were drinking in San Francisco but do remember what you were drinking, this guide should help get you to the right neighborhood.

If you were drinking a	Then you were drinking in
Body shot off a stripper	North Beach
Mexican coffee	The Tenderloin
Patron shot with salt and lime	The Marina
Tequila sunrise	The Richmond
Partida anejo, neat	Downtown
Margarita by the pitcher	The Mission
Frozen margarita with a straw	The Castro

Don't let this happen to you

I was just hankering for a glass of water, so I poured myself one. Or rather, I:

Recipe for a glass of sparkling water

• Grab a pint glass
• In the freezer, do the daily ice rotation (throwing out the older ice, moving the new cubes to a fresh bag, and filling the trays with Britta-filtered water).
• Cut an organic lemon in half and squeeze a small amount of juice into the glass
• Outdoors, pick a few leaves of fresh mint from planter. Wash and add to glass.
• Add ice to glass, pressing on it to gently release the mint flavor while not pulverizing it.
  
• Add filtered water to 1-litre vessel, then carbonate using home soda making device
• Fill glass with sparkling water
  
• Add a straw and garnish with a lemon wedge

When making a glass of water takes ten minutes, you know you've crossed some kind of line.

Very Special Vodka

(In Today's SF Chronicle)

Vodka for special moments?

For something that tastes like nothing, spirits companies can find a lot of ways to market vodka. We've seen vodka flavored with garlic, vodka bottles shaped like a bong, vodka made out of cactus, and vodka with energy supplements. What more could they possibly do to sell the stuff? Add bubbles, of course!

At least two new products have started what could be the best worst trend in vodka. Vodka O2 (www.sparklingvodka.com) has infused bubbles that "create a lightly effervescent texture that gently tingles on the tongue." Better yet, Nuvo For Her (www.nuvoforher.com) is a pink "vodka liqueur" (vodka, wine and fruit nectar) with ad copy that reads like something you'd expect to buy at Good Vibrations rather than BevMo: "The world's first sparkling vodka liqueur that celebrates 'Joie de Vivre,' the Joy of Life, and the pleasure of women sharing beautiful moments. Nuvo's delicate fruity taste, distinctive pink colour, and enchanting bottle allow you to experience a whole new array of sensations like never before." We've just discovered a new spirits category: soft-core vodka.

-- Camper English

This Just In: Water Enthusiasm

According to this press release, water is the new wine.

"The next generation of water enthusiasts and connoisseurs demand a higher level of sophistication, style, quality and taste beyond the conventional products that clutter the market. Elevating the profile of fine bottled water and educating the public is one way we help build brand awareness and set facts straight on bottled water" says Jason Boardé founder of AquaBar.

AquaBar is a luxury water service based in Beverly Hills that supplies fine establishments and discerning beverage drinkers with premium H2o.

Placement

I was just thinking that if cachaca brands really want to reach a wider audience they need to get hip-hoppers to start drinking it and rapping about it in songs and calling out brands. I'm sure there are lots of words that rhyme with Pirassununga.

I'd like to volunteer my services as an ad director for the campaigns that follow. Here's a slogan I already wrote:

Cachaca- It's the Cachizzle!

Caipirinha, The Musical

As I think about drinks all day then have a drink to relax at night, it's no wonder that cocktails sometimes invade my sleep too. Most often that's in the form of stressful dreams, but last night was a fun one. I dreamt I was watching a movie called Caipirinha! in which muddling a caipirinha would release some sort of happy magic and everyone in the room would shout "Caipirinha!"

It should go without saying that this was a feel-good movie.

Warm and fuzzy wine

Critterwines.com just launched. It's a website that makes judging a wine by the label extra-easy. You select the critter you like, and it tells you the brands of wine that have pictures of the critter on the label, from antelopes to zebras. The world needed this!

Walking on Water

Thrillist found these lovely flask flip-flops. I think of them as efficient, more than sneaky. You can wear them to the beach to prevent your feet from burning on the hot sand, then cool off with a drink served out of them. They're multi-purpose, and that's good.

Whining and Dining

So far there are only two of them, but I love these Whining and Dining videos. Brenda and Brenda (Cintra Wilson and Nancy Balbrier) sample wine and cheeses, then compare them to celebrities.

Note: the audio on the second one is not safe for work.