Guys who spit in the gym shower

Then I guess you won't mind when I piss on your leg.

Gays Who Wear Camouflage

Nice try Clancy, but there's no disguising your swish.

People who sit in cafes all day with headphones on working on their laptops

Hey Macintard! You must be here because you can't afford your own DSL connection. Maybe if you didn't spend all your money on overpriced electronic equipment that you had to have because it matches your furniture you would have some leftover to pay for a home internet connection. Now kindly stop hogging the window seat, jerk.

People who mumble to themselves while picking out items in the grocery store

The rule is: Either talk loud enough so we all can hear you or shut the fuck up.

People who commandeer the rolling carts in the laundromatt for their exclusive use

People. This is not New Orleans and you do not need to loot and horde. The laundry carts are meant to be shared, so if you're not actively wheeling something around, get your damn placeholder sweater off the cart so others can use it.

People trying experimental swimming techniques in the fast lane

Dooder, I'm totally sure that your upside-down backwards breast stroke is going to catch on fire and be the next big Olympic event, but maybe you should work on refining it somewhere other than in my motherfucking way. Thanks!!!

Swimmers who can't seem to stay in their half of the lane

How is it that your crawl stroke requires a width of four feet? You know how when you're over too far and I accidentally kick you in the face? You know that's not really an accident, right?

Pool lifeguards who don't step in and direct traffic

The fast lane is clogged because of the one slow person and the slow lane is clogged because of the fast person who couldn't fit in the fast lane. This should be obvious from your cushy post up in the chair, Mitch. So could you maybe stop futzing with the radio station for a minute and get down here and put people in their proper places.

People in the pool wearing goggles, a swim cap, and ear plugs

If you don't want to get any water on you, then why the fuck are you in the pool?

People who say, "I hope you're not mad and put me on your hate blog!"

Because you know they secretly want to be on the hate blog, and therefore are disqualified.

People who wear headphones in the grocery store.

Hey iTard, since you can't hear me say "excuse me" to get by you with your gay white ear buds, I'll have to give you a signal instead, such as ramming my shopping cart into your ankles.

People in museums who stand six feet away from the art

Hey! You're in the passing lane there and people are trying to get around. Take two steps forward where the rest of the people are, okay?

Pedestrians still crossing the intersection after the light turns because they were too busy yapping away on their cell phone to notice

I don't even drive and that pisses me off. I think it should be legal to run them over.

Tall people at shows who keep adjusting their stance

Hey Gigantor, I finally lined up a viewpoint of part of the stage over one of your shoulders while standing on my toes. Could you at least have the courtesy to stand fucking still so that I can continue to see for more than 3 minutes? Or I mean, I could just hack off fucking your legs at the knee if that's easier for you.