People whose Halloween costumes always start with "slutty"

slutty maid
slutty nurse
slutty pirate
slutty princess
slutty stewardess
slutty witch
slutty burn victim
slutty hobo
slutty irritable bowel syndrome sufferer

Just admit it: deep down inside, you're a slut.

People who play golf

Do you know anyone who plays golf who *isn't* a douchebag?
No, no you don't.

California drivers who can't master the art of the turn signal

I'm sure you're just drifting along, doing your own thing, going with the flow and following the vibe and stuff, and that's cool, man, that's cool, but like, each of us has our own head space, and I don't want to smash right the fuck into your head because you're a fucking retard so use the damn directional. peace.

People who use the walkie talkie function on their cellphones and walk down the street shouting

HELLO? IS ANNOYING ASSHOLE THERE?

Grocery store baggers

They have no concept of load balancing. Hey, embittered teenager, I have to take the bus with that, and I don't want to end up with one arm longer than the other at the end of the ride.

Stoner households

Everything smells like socks and is coated with a sticky resin.

Old people who talk about the weather

You've been on the planet for like 70 years now, and "Oh my, it's humid" is all you have to say for yourself?

People who fart in cars and don't immediately roll down the window.

What a funny joke! It's like you pooped right in my nose!

Gays in matching Speedos

I'm begging now. Please. Stop.

People who bring radios to the beach

Not because I don't want to hear music, but because it's never the music I want to hear.

People who spend more than one minute applying sunscreen to each other

Basically now you're getting an oil massage and making everyone else watch. That's the grossest PDA ever. (Unless it comes with a 'happy ending' in which case it's okay.)

People at the beach who put down their towel unnaturally close to yours

I know I'm not going to catch cooties from you or anything, but why you gotta be right here when there is all that space over there?

People at the beach who reposition themselves for maximum sun exposure every five minutes

Tanning is just not that important.

Various Types of iTards

iHole- the place an iPod owner lives.

BiPods- people who own two iPods are somehow four times as bad as those who own only one.

ReJay- someone who thinks he's a DJ because he made an iPod playlist and plugged it in somewhere.

PodSkateer- an iTard who wears big Mickey Mouse DJ headphones.

iClod- an iTard who keeps getting snagged in the cord.

iWad- the cluster of iPod accessories an iTard owns.

Act of Pod- the stunning coincidence an iTard will blather on to you about when what's on their random playlist correlates to something that just happened in the real world. IT'S LIKE IT KNOWS WHAT WE WERE THINKING.

iRod- the Mini Cooper.

Stand and Poddle- what an iTard at the gym is doing when they spend the whole time playing with their mp3 player instead of actually working out.

izodPod- an iPod filled with only ironic 80's music.

Airline passengers who jump into the aisle the second the plane lands

As if that's going to get you to the front of the plane any faster with all the other idiots doing the same thing.

Airline passengers who sit in the aisle seat yet try to stare out the window through your head

Aisle or window, rubberneck- you can't have it both ways!

People who call to say they're running late

It's nice of you to call, but you're still late. Get your shit together before you make plans.

People who hum. Anywhere. Ever.

Is there anything that makes me want to bash someone's head in more?
No, no there is not.

Slow people who saunter

I'm sure your walk is considered very sexy in Slowvakia, but here you're just swaying back and forth and blocking the motherfucking sidewalk when I'm trying to get by.

People walking together, each with headphones on

Two iTards are worse than one.