Girls who fart when I'm the only guy in the room

There are six of us in here, but guess who's going to get blamed?

Pet lovers

Since I have no life, I'll just bond with something that doesn't talk or understand what I'm saying, yet depends on me for food. It's so cute when it begs!

Parents

Since I have no life, I'll just bond with something that doesn't talk or understand what I'm saying, yet depends on me for food. It's so cute when it begs!

People who aren't professional cooks who browse the farmer's market every week

It's a place of commerce, not a zoo for vegetables. Get lost!

Orthodox anybody

It's not your religion I have such a problem with (though that also sucks). It's the fact that your religion comes with an outfit, and the outfit is lame and needs an update. Can't you be more like flight attendants?

People who pay for a $5 sandwich with their ATM card

Hey jerk, if you don't have five dollars in cash maybe you should hit an ATM first. If I follow you and find you doing this again at the dry cleaners or something, I'm going to insist that you be pantsed.

People who sign off their emails with "peace."

From: Camper English
To: Person who sent the message
Subject: re: Your email

Dear hippie,

Go fuck yourself.

Love,
Camper

People who are really into movies and scripts and directors and lighting and all of that whatever

Because once you cross the line between enjoying movies and studying them, you cross the line between 'normal' and 'get a fucking life.'

People who go shopping the day after Thanksgiving

Look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Am I retarded?" The short answer is Yes. Let's pick the most crowded, traffic-jammed, short-staffed, long-lined, people running around like decapitated chickens, manufactured day of idiocy available, and join in! You can try to justify it by talking about the great sales, but let's be honest: you are a giant sucker because you believe the hype.

Homeless people who poop on my street on Sundays

Street cleaning isn't until Friday! That's going to be there all week!

People who cry at funerals

How cliche.

People who let you bum their last cigarette

So now I have to deal with lung cancer AND guilt?

Bartenders who serve from one point at the bar and forget about the people on either side

Dude, your job is not that hard and you make more money than a dentist. Could you please at least do it right?

Awful street musicians

Oops, sorry! I meant all street musicians.

Junior high girls in butterfly wings

At what age is it appropriate to start calling someone a loser?

Blind people who won't take a seat on the bus.

By "Do you want this seat?" I meant "You're in the fucking way."

People who get on the bus then ask "How much is it?"

Stupid tourists.

Guys who sit naked on the communal bench in the gym locker room

I don't care if you just came out of the shower, your ass crack has just made contact with public seating, and that's not okay.

People whom you call to see if they want to go out to eat and they say yes but suggest a time two hours from then

I wasn't hungry in theory.

People who won't use the locker room at the gym

Ooooh, scary naked people!

Parents who bring their sick children into work

Those things are teeming with disease to begin with. So how about not bringing Typhoid Timmy into contact with the whole office?