People who have a bowl of guest soaps in the bathroom

Dude, it's soap. You don't need to save it for a special occasion.

Cranky Toll Booth Collectors

If I were a toll booth collector, I would be so friendly that people would drive away feeling like I blew sunshine right up their ass.

People who donate toys to needy children on Christmas

Dear Santa,

Thanks for the used stuffed animal, but as I said in my first letter, what I really wanted was for my mother not to be a crackwhore.

People who block the bar stand

You realize you're standing between me and my next drink, right? That's not a very safe place to be.

Columnists and bloggers who write about what everybody else is writing about

It's like every time Bill O'Reilly or Pat Robertson or George Bush or or Ann Coulter says anything stupid (you know, constantly), everyone else has to offer their opinion of that person's opinion. Note to writers: you don't have to give these idiots a platform by retyping their quotes. You can set your own agenda.

People who don't hang up until after you hang up

But on the other hand, they're awfully fun to mess with.

People who celebrate the winter solstice

Christmas and Presidents Day and holidays like that I can understand, since we just made that shit up. But the solstice? The earth is going to turn around in circles whether you want it to or not. It doesn't need you to throw a fucking party for it.

Guys who wipe boogers on the wall while using the urinal

You know, thanks. This public bathroom wasn't disgusting enough without a gloppy wad of your snot right at eye level.

Salvation Army Christmas Bell Ringers

Ring Ring! I'm a filthy annoying bum!

People who wear Santa hats

Have you noticed that only ugly people wear them? What's up with trying to bring more attention to your hideous face?

People who try to be cool by telling you they used to be a smoker

Fascinating. I used to crap in my diaper but I'm pretty much over that now.

People who hold the door for you when you're still 30 feet away from it

So now I'm obligated to hurry towards you so you're not standing there holding it open for too long. Thanks for the "favor," jerk.

Salespeople who ask you if you need assistance twice

"Are you still doing okay?"

No, I guess not. Let me clarify what I meant by "I'm all set," before. That meant "Go away, you commission-seeking suckup." If my answer changes, I'll snap my fingers or throw something at you.

People walking up the escalator in front of you who suddenly stop at the top

Suddenly, my face is in your ass. Not cool.

Old ladies who push in front of you to get to the food

The bus to get a seat? Okay.
The bathroom line? Maybe.
Food? No fucking way, grandma. When I push you out of the way and you break a hip, the only food you're going to be eating is cat food because that's all you'll be able to afford after the medical bills. Back of the line!

People who put gel in their hair even though it would look exactly the same without it.

(except less greasy)

Girls with whatever kind of wooden heels they are that can clack clack clack down stairs so motherfucking loud it pierces your brain

And you wonder why men hit women?

People who grunt when they get up from the couch

And me, when I catch myself doing it. What am I, 50?

Burrito makers who skimp on the beans

They cost about .05 cents per pound. I want more damn beans!