People who refer to me as a blogger

"Blogger" is to "Writer"
as
"Slut" is to "Hooker"

The woman who ordered one Mojito and one Cosmopolitan when the bar queue was three people thick.

And then she paid with a credit card.

It's like when you're in the supermarket you don't get in line behind an old lady because you know she's gonna be slow and might whip out a checkbook at the end- when you see a frosted blonde heaving her chest forward to get the bartender's attention, you go to the other bar stand.

People who pronounce tofu like tofuuu rather than toefu

Dude, it's just tofu. There's no need for an accent.

People who start sentences with, "Obviously,..."

Obviously, there are exceptions to that rule.

People who limp

Get a wheelchair you fucking baby.

People who phone in the age of call waiting but don't leave a message

I know who you are and I know what you're doing.

Parents chasing their toddlers around the restaurant

Isn't there some kind of leash law in this city?

People who run to catch the elevator as the doors are closing as if it's the last helicopter out of Saigon, and then they hit the 3 button

So you just ran like an Olympic sprinter to avoid walking up 2 flights of stairs? That makes you both lazy AND stupid.

People who carry around sacks of vegetables to munch on

Hey Chipmunk, your constant gnawing and chewing is a little agitating to the rest of the post-Neanderthal population who recognize that eating a bag of mini-carrots in the middle of a lecture is damned obnoxious.

People who care about the outcomes of movie award ceremonies

Stop!!! You're not jacking each other off properly. Here, do it like this.

People who call in sick all the time

How about we get you a plastic bubble to go around your desk?

Supervisors who thank you for working the overtime they made you work

That's so sweet of you to thank me, but it's not necessary! It was my great pleasure to cancel my plans at the last minute because you still don't know how to use Microsoft Motherfucking Word.

People who drink tea

What are you, gay?